Erotic Writing on OD – Epilogue
(Ah yes, an entry, finally. Nothing traumatic kept me, just regular life gets in the way and I shut down my creative side in favor of making money. I have not figured out a consistent way to keep both engaged. Very perplexing since I realize I’m so enhanced when I do. More on that in later entries.)
Briefly, the original discussion was triggered by a graphic public entry I posted on November 20, 2008, which was promptly blocked by the OD staff. Thankfully, they did not delete it but rather moved it to a Private entry. I cleaned up the entry and reposted it without the pictures and the sexually graphic language, a couple of days later with an invitation to note me with your opinions, for or against, a request I was planning on submitting to the DM to ask him to relax the Rules on erotic writing.
I was overwhelmed with hundreds and hundreds of notes. To call the notes supporting my proposed request to relax the rules, a majority, would be a vast understatement. However, it was the five or ten negative notes that took me to task for my writing that caused me to think, I’ve left something unsaid on the subject.
I’ve been thinking about those comments because they give me an opportunity to (attempt to) address a personal belief I have regarding a much greater subject, one I believe is at the root of all our unrest – personal pain and how we continually invite it to remain in our lives.
The Diary Master has since explained his viewpoints on erotic writing to me, which I have no objection to and totally accept! As I’ve stated before, I never considered his censoring my entry as a violation of the Freedom of Speech Act, because it is the Diary Master’s house and he is entitled to establish his rules while I’m in his house. (You can read his original notes when/if you read the original series of entries on the subject.)
The DM has stated that erotic writings are ok as long as posted under the Friends Only banner. Previously, I posted my entries as Public entries, never Friends Only, as that designation seemed kind of clubby and elitist to me. However, that’s how I’ll make my erotic entries in the future.
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Therefore, to the bigger discussion:
It seems to me, one of the frailties’ of the human condition is judgment. We take just seconds to make a decision about another human being. (I wrote about that concept in more detail here.)
In my experience, a judgment can occur anytime, for any reason. In order to make a judgment of another we essentially must say to ourselves, “My belief in what is real, is accurate; therefore, this person is wrong, is a danger to me, etc.” The closer the other person’s act or statement is to our most sensitive core, the higher the probability we will annihilate them outright, or at least, in our mind.
If you’re like most, there is some reluctance to use the word “Judgment” in describing our own use of this technique, so we use the much more accepted, antiseptic word, "Perception.”
If I can have a perception about you, it seems to, legitimize, my opinion. The word seems to add a degree of intellect and objectivity to my viewpoint of you and thereby, I believe I’m “right” about you and man, we just love being right, right?
In reality (from my biased point of view), this need to judge or perceive another’s intent or motivation is purely a flight to safety. If I can know what you are about, what your intent is, I have a greater chance of avoiding “damage” by you.
There is a body of psychological authors who are of the opinion, “The avoidance of pain and pursuit of pleasure is the brain’s primary activity.”
Ergo, if my most important goal is to avoid pain from you, I will not stop to observe my lack of logic and objectivity that exists in my filtering system. In using this system, we never stop to observe our own bias, that we are coming from the flawed position of our early imprinting, our early learning.
I am not interested in being truly accurate about you, but rather my concept of accurate! I’m only interested in quantifying you: Friend or Foe?
To use this technique of judgment/perception is really nothing more than projecting our belief systems upon another, judging them to see if they meet our criterion of a good person.
Imprinting or Conditioning, I can’t give you the correct psychological definition but what I can tell you is, it lacks objectivity – Pavlov rang a bell while feeding a dog and soon discovered he could elicit a response in the dog’s digestive system; triggering the saliva flow, by simply ringing the bell without presenting the food.
The baby ducklings following a cat, believing the cat to be mom, simply because the cat was the first thing they saw at the moment of hatching.
Of course, humans are much more complex than that … but not by much!
We experience one another, not by truly seeing each other but rather through the filters of our personal life experiences. Our individual life experiences obscure our vision of the other person. We never see them, only our biases projected upon them.
I think the way it works is, someone says or does something that reminds us of some painful past memory and we react to them as though they actually hurt us, rather than the more accurate view that they reminded us of the pain we already carry.
An additional level of complexity is, because of our concern for safety, it seems so right to judge another, especially if we can place them in an inferior position while simultaneously elevating ourselves.
What are we to do with this natural, it feels so right, tendency to judge one another then? …
I do not know!
The best that I’ve been able to do so far, is recognize the presence of my emotions as a warning flag. As soon as I feel my emotional response coming to the surface over what someone said or did to me, I know my viewpoint is flawed and cannot be trusted … unfortunately, that wise thought doesn’t usually come before I’ve opened my mouth and counter-attacked them!
I am learning though, as the thought is coming sooner. It used to take me weeks or months, after the event to find my peace again but now it comes in hours or days. My response is still not as good as what I aspire to – to have the thought simultaneously with the stimulus. When I get good at it, I want to be able to have the thought in front of the stimulus, i.e. “The other person is not attacking me but rather crying out for love and understanding, as I am.”
That brings me to those women who were offended by my erotic writings …
- Writing with graphic language of a personal erotic experience is not porn.
- To the woman in New Zealand who classified my writing as porn and, with a broad stroke, linked “Porn” and thereby me, as the causative factor in a horrific case of child abuse that was occurring in her country at the time, I say – You have succumbed to your uninformed bias.
- My writing was a graphic illustration of sex with a woman I cared for. “Graphic” does not equate to “Porn” nor does it equate to sexualization or lack of caring for the female.
- While the language was graphic, it was chosen purposefully as it turned the woman, and therefore me, on.
- In my view, the key to great loving sex is creating an environment where your lover feels comfortable enough with you to share his/her innermost fantasies, without fear of judgment.
- I don’t care what turns her on; if she asks me to insert a corncob in her anus while singing Cotton-Eyed Joe to her, I’ll do it (short of anything illegal; child porn, bestiality, and the sort) to bring her the most satisfying experience I am capable of.
- In addition, to the two different women who wrote; “I think you’ll find the majority of people here are decent caring folks with better things on their mind than over-rated sex and sick innuendos. Maybe you have no idea about such values as respect for others, but in this world, we consider other people and would not deliberately wish to offend any heart” … and … "This is not the place for ‘a graphic description of a sexual act’. Make a porn movie, write a book with all the descriptive acts and words you wish…or make your diary totally private. Many of us would just like to know when we go ‘random’ noting, we won’t accidentally land in your diary. Which is what happened. I respect your rights…but in this case, they ‘bump’ into the rights of people with different levels of respect than yours."
- I say – I’m sorry you chose such a reaction to my writing and to displace the responsibility for your pejorative reaction. While I understand and empathize with the pre-existing pain that exists for you, I do not lose sight of the fact that all you needed to do to avoid that pain was heed the warning at the top of the entry to not proceed if graphic language would offend you. Am I responsible for your free choice to proceed beyond that?
I’m not upset about these expressions, I just wanted to draw attention to who is actually in charge of our feelings. As such, I remind myself and all who choose to read this …
No one "Makes us feel" anything! We do it to ourselves. There is no one responsible for how we feel, other than us. Not our lover, not our mother, not our father, just … US!
As long as we place the blame (or credit) for our feelings, our mental attitude outside ourselves, there will be no peace.
“The past informs the present,
<div style="text-align: center; margin: 0in 0in 0pt"align=”center”>awakening the automatic mechanisms of the mind
to identify threatening conditions and steer us to safety.”
Disarming the Narcissist
by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW
Finally, the link to the “Offending” Entry is below for you to click and read, if you wish. (It’s set to Friends Only so if you can’t see it, drop me a note.)
Once again, Do Not click on the link if graphic language or pictures will offend you. If they will and you still choose to click the link, please observe, you are choosing pain and discomfort by doing so, and therefore, I invite you to take responsibility for your own reactions.
Remember, you are not being forced to click!
The “Offending” Entry.
As always, that’s one man’s opinion.
God bless,
Nunzio
22,635
22,63522,635
Where’s the sausage! I come here for the great Nunzio’s Italian sausage! And what did I get? Reality shoved down my throat. Question is, Did I spit or swallow? 😉 LOL Love you, Nunz. This is good stuff as per usual.
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A very lucid argument. I prefer not to be graphic on my diary, but that is my personal taste, rather than a principlde. It also reflects the difficulty in writing well about sex. Maybe because good sex engages the mind and body, but writing is purely cerebral? Regarding the opinions of others , I don’t berate those who fear and dislike sexuality, so I expect them to afford me the same courtesyand allow me to be a sexual being. Interestingly, since my daughter came out as a gay woman, I’m finding it much harder to tolerate the intolerant. How to solve that conundrum? xx
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yep, i generally keep my opinions to myself directly because of the inverse effect,..
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Personally, I find those who proceed past a warning about possible offensive language/images who then complain to have a baseless argument. They fail to heed the warnings, keep and view and then judge. I think they are just looking for a way to confirm that they, too, exist: if they have opposition, only then do they have a voice. It means they lack a sense of self on its own, instead, they have to have a wall to push against to prove to themselves that they are indeed there. Not your problem, sadly, but the characterization made of your writings as a result necessarily puts you in the position of having to defend your right to post what you create, and have clearly warned them about.
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Great entry! I’d love to read your entry.
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I am a woman and I am not in the least offended by erotic writing and even some porn if it is between 2 consenting adults and does not degrade women in any way. I find it enhances my sexual experience too. I would love to show your entry to my BF, I think we would have a great night of sex after reading it LOL. BTW I love your reference to singing Cotton eyed Joe while having a conrcob inserted in her anus LMAO, you rock Nunzio!
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This was fantastic and so true! I would never be offended by writing, and most porn so bring it on!
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God baby I’ve missed you so ~HUG~
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Ahhhh yes . . . Perception. Judgment. And Taking Offense. Interesting that last one. Taking Offense. Not Accepting Offense. Not Being Forcibly Offended. Taking Offense. It is something we take on for ourselves. A choice we make. Like that third helping of cheesecake at the casino buffet. Interesting that . . . Oh. HERE HERE Good Sir! Here, here!!
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People who bitch about stuff that harms no one are the ones that are uncomfortable with it. I’ll admit that I’m more of a prude than I’d like to be, but at the same time I’m not going to tell YOU that you can’t write what you want…if I come across it and it makes me uncomfortable, I STOP READING. Pretty easy, that. (and sometimes I keep reading anyway 😉
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ryn: OK I have printed out your entry and I will show it to him next time I see him. I will fill you in on what happens next 😉
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Thanks for your notes… I agree. I think Harville is onto something there. We all just keep learning, right?
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Have you read crucial conversations? I’d like to read the entry, too. 🙂
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wow. What a deep thinker you are. Thanks for awaking my sleepy brain. I say, write what you want. It’s YOUR diary. Anyone who is offended because of something you write in your OWN diary, about your own experience is off base. I guess people look at this forum differently. Some see it as a way to connect with people. Some use it as a DIARY. Imagine that. I think I read your entry before. Not sure if I want to read it now. It will no doubt get me hot and I don’t think sex is in the cards for me tonight. I don’t want to waste a good fantasy. Nice to see you again, by the way. Don’t be a stranger.
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CC is a sort of guidebook. It’s significant theory/premise is that no one causes our feelings. That there is a hidden trigger in between an act and our feeling – that trigger is so fast we don’t recognize it – but it remains. We tell ourselves a story about what just happened, and THAT causes our feelings.
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A terrific illustration: two men watch a baseball game together. One is crushed by the outcome, the other, elated. Why? They experienced the exact same game. But, they have different stories to tell themselves about it. Thanks, Nunz. 🙂
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Did you post it publicly originally? I would love to read it. I did something similar a while back and found a page got deleted. I think what you strive for personally is very admirable, unfortunately most will not give it as much thought
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Hurray he posts!
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thanks leaving your name. just knowing there are people who hear me/care means a lot. B and i are, for sure, a strong illustration of the ideas in Getting the Love You Want. neither he nor i could get past the triggering of our old pain. off we went, spinning out of control, every time, worse and worse. you ever have that? so intense and strong, yet so unworkable? smiling at this lesson,
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so much calmer as we learn “how” this all works, rather than thinking “it” works us… by the way, who is the little grasshopper, and who the master? huh, huh? 50/50, maybe…
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I really liked the “erupted” in BIG FONT part.
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ryn: laughing about your being impressed by my power tool skills. i do have lots of skills (and no smart aleck comments about that, young man!) but my difficulty is that somehow my love of learning new things, and liking the freedom to do what i feel like doing when i feel like doing it, means that i am terrible at holding down a job for any length of time at all. and that means uneven income stream. plus i am not good with clocks–my internal clock says go to bed at 11 pm and get up at 6 am or so, but beyond that, ha, it makes no sense to me that something must be done now because the clock says it is this time. so, great with lots of tools and creative things, bad with fitting into society’s rules of “normal” living… what do you do for a living? i can’t even guess! the jung quote made a lot of sense. thanks for sharing that. well, good morning! 🙂
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Excellent entry, Nunzio. Always enjoy reading you. Your bulleted items above recapping the notes. Wow. It staggers me that people can have such differing viewpoints. My oldest sister told me a few weeks back that looking at porn is breaking the marital vow to “forsake all others.” I asked, “What if both spouses look at it together because it turns them on?” She said…
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…then you are BOTH breaking your marital vows. Um. Wow. And I thought I was just embracing my sexuality. Which. Um. God gave me. Takes all kinds, Nunz. Glad you are my kind. PS: Keep the “porn” coming.
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first, i promise, i am not secretly red running hood’s older sister. ok, before i guess, can i assume the right answer is included in the list provided, or is it an unlimited guess? also, are there more than one in the list that are correct? gotta get the rules straight. we have CAPITAL LETTERS riding on my skill in answering this… heh.
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first, to let you know, i sort of agree with red running hood’s older sister. but more than it breaking rules, i just don’t think it builds real intimacy. my opinion, eh? we can rationalize many things, all over the board. ok, professor and teacher, too similar. Same as CPA and financial advisor. So I eliminate those. (Although CPA is a strong hunch.) Navy SEAL, lumberjack, and truck driver, don’t feel right. Eliminated. Remaining: doctor, carpenter, therapist, and detective. Trying them on you, one at a time. (You are now a little cardboard paper doll in your underwear–boxers and short sleeve undershirt.) Okay, I pick therapist. P.S. Wit and beauty work almost ALL of the time. Hard to resist. But beauty fades, so wit is stronger. It is really just the delight of laughing with someone that is irresistable. Okay, that’s it. And did you notice the caps? (I am fickle with regard to capital letters. Does that make me a “bad” person? Smiling with my eyes…)
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Ah, see, I should have gone with my hunch of CPA. My logic was faulty–you said only one answer applied, and my thinking was, if you are a CPA, you are also in some ways a financial advisor. But I failed to look at it the other way, if you are an advisor, you are not necessarily a CPA. So I threw ’em both out, and LOST THE GAME… Walking dejectedly off the stage. Do I get, like, a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni? (Face brightens at the thought…) You think logically, like a numbers person, and that’s why I thought CPA as my hunch. I hated working as a public auditor. Ugh. I could not bring myself to care or think of it as all real, the game of the big CPA firm. Thus, the caulk gun. Oh, I agree in some ways with what you said about beauty. Happy Friday, goofy guy. I left you dressed up as a carpenter. Hahaha, because you look good in a tool belt. Oh, wait, I don’t know if that is true…
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interesting issue. not what I expected to find when I followed your note here (thank you, by the way). 😉 I have written about sex, not in a graphic way at all (I do not think), very G-rated… and have gotten “offended” notes heh.
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Thank you for your flattering note. It is good to see you writing here again, and on a stimulating topic. We have no choice, I feel, but to experience one another through the filters of our personal life experiences, with the biases they bring, i.e. the unsubstantiated judgements. I suspect that judging was hard-wired into us as we evolved, allowing us to take action – and as a caveman, sometimes saving our life. Also we learnt the mores of our tribe, often so thoroughly that they became emotionally implanted in us. This, it seems to me, was vital for us to bond with that tribe – again a matter of life or death. Those of us who are now “seniors” learned, when we were small children, that certain words and behaviours, particularly about sex, were “dirty” or forbidden. For many of us, that learning remains as a strong emotional reaction, even in situations where it is inappropriate. (I didn’t go to your link, by the way. I know the strength of my own childhood conditioning.) I too recognise the presence of my emotions as a warning flag; I don’t trust them. But we are in a minority; many people aren’t fortunate enough to have learnt to do this.
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*applauds* well written, nunzi.
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Damn I can’t see the offending entry. I would love to read it since I regularly offend people, but not with erotica.
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ha, cute first picture~
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