Big Edit -> What has happened to love?
(Scroll down for edit.)
What’s happened to our innocence? What’s happened to love?
Lately, this diary site has been filled with (what seems like) more than the usual dose of pain. At least four women I love to read are expressing great dissatisfaction with their marriage or lovers. Some use subterfuge, or secrecy … to keep their life “stable.”
They believe it is something “He” is doing, or not, that “causes” their unhappiness …
Why do we NOT take responsibility for our own happiness?
Why do we insist on hanging our happiness on the behavior of someone else?
What has happened to responsibility?
What has happened to love?
A group of professionals posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds:
"What Does Love Mean?"
The answers they received were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. What do you think?
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy – age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl – age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy – age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired."
Terri – age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny – age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily – age 8
"Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby – age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka – age 6
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle – age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy – age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore."
Cindy – age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare – age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris – age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann – age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren – age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen – age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross."
Mark – age 6
"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica – age 8
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man sitting in his yard crying, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When he returned home, his Mother asked what he said to the neighbor. The little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Why is it we hold someone responsible for loving us the way we "need" it … but we rarely, if ever, tell him or her what we need?
Why is it we expect our lovers to “know” how to love us but we can’t recognize they ARE loving us … the way THEY know how?
Where did our love go?
God bless,
Nunzio
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(Edit)
Whoa! Did I get some notes on this one. Several were private, and I wish they weren’t because they held the crux of what I’m talking about in this entry.
With your indulgence, I’d like to go a little deeper in this concept.
First, A little disclaimer. As we all do, I write my thoughts, my opinions, as reflected from what I’ve found valuable. This philosophy brings me peace. There are a thousand ways to peace and I am not invested in whether or not you find these concepts valuable. I don’t mean I’m not interested in the dialog with you. I mean, if you find no value in what I have to say … I’m ok with that, as I’m not invested in the outcome.
What I was attempting to illustrate in this entry with the juxtaposition of the concept of love through a child’s eyes next to the unrest some of my favorites are going through, is the innocence we lost somewhere along the way.
We all had that innocence and replaced it with fear … and we did it without realizing we were making a choice!
On April 24, 2004 I wrote an entry http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D116647&entry=10061 outlining where many of my opinions/concepts come from. It brought many questions.
One of the points I made in that entry was:
18. “Whether you stay or go in a relationship is not the question. The question is, whether you stop
blamingthe other person for how you feel. (“Blaming” was a poor choice of words on my part. "Stop HOLDING the other person RESPONSIBLE for how you feel,” is more in line with what I was trying to communicate.) If you change your mind (about how you feel) the decision about staying or going will evaporate. It becomes immaterial. Why would it matter? Nothing someone else does or says can hurt you. Unless, you cooperate with them.”
One reader responded with:
# 18 hits me… and since my ego is up and running I’m compelled to ask… "When you stop blaming the other person, leaving or staying does not matter" what does that mean? Am I to assume that if folks are evolved… anybody can be a good mate to anybody? I understand not needing but what elements cause intimacy … attraction (other than availability)?
My response in her diary:
First, the paragraph you had a question about reads, “Whether you stay or go in a relationship is not the question. The question is, whether you stop
blamingthe other person for how you feel. If you change your mind, the decision about staying or going will evaporate. It becomes immaterial. Why would it matter? Nothing someone else does or says can hurt you unless, you cooperate with them.”
You ask, "What does that mean?" It means that each one of us is in charge of what we feel, NOT the person who does “x” to us. An example of flawed thinking would be a typical conversation between lovers, “When you did x, you MADE ME FEEL x.” Nonsense, no one “MAKES” us feel anything … we do it to ourselves.
Later in that 3-page piece I wrote, “we tell ourselves that someone else is responsible for our pain when, in fact, we choose it.”
In summary, YOU are the person that gives the meaning to all you see. If you accept responsibility for that, then changing your mind about what is happening is simply (but not easily) a task of redefinition of the experience.
You ask, “Am I to assume that if folks are evolved … anybody can be a good mate to anybody?“ Close. The more responsibility we assume for our own happiness and the less we require of the other person (to “make” us “happy”) we will BE happy.
Some other thoughts … “I am in charge of my life and everything that seems to happen to me, (good and “bad”) is because I’ve asked for it and it has been given me as I’ve asked.”
“You must take full responsibility for any hurt you experience at the hand of another. Are you awake enough right now, to see you create your own pain?”
(I’ve written extensively about these subjects. See if this piece is helpful. See 4/13/2004 entry at;) http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D116647&entry=10058&mode=date
These concepts are very difficult for most of us to get our head around. I know it was very difficult for me.
Please let me know if you wish to continue the conversation.
PS: A clarification.The above comments pertain to the emotional us, not the physical us. Of course, someone can hurt our body without our cooperation. (If that is your situation, remove yourself from danger.) This is more to do with the stories we tell ourselves about the emotional pain we go through.
Some of you let me know clearly, that you “don’t buy into ‘my’ concept, at ALL, that we are solely responsible for our happiness.” That’s ok, I understand. After all, there is no reason to explore any new concepts if your world is working.
I’m not delusional. I know I espouse very unpopular and threatening concepts …
After much work, it was revealed to me, how we voluntarily put ourselves through pain, continually choosing it over love. ACIM exposed the lie we tell ourselves … that someone else is responsible for our pain when, in fact, we choose it.
The value in knowing this is that, once we accept we are choosing pain, the follow-up observation is not far off – “If I’m choosing it, that means I can stop choosing it.”
By accepting the responsibility for our own pain, we are given the key to a painless life!
Nevertheless, watch how you struggle to not accept the responsibility. To do so means we can no longer blame someone for our feelings. We will fight desperately to retain the narcotic of blame. We will fight to hold on to our pain!
Some of you have said, “Your view of love and relationships is naive and unrealistic, in my opinion.” That’s ok too as it works for me as I’m sure, yours does for you.
Moreover, that’s the beauty of life. We can choose to believe anything we want, anything that works for us …
But …
If it doesn’t?
If it doesn’t work?
Well, that’s when we wave the flag of surrender and look around for some coaching. That’s when we’ll accept new ideas … it takes pain for that to happen, as we don’t learn from joy!
Finally, I share these concepts in the hope they make a contribution. If you find value in any of this, please use it with my blessings. If there is no value here for you, discard it all.
Have I, 100% achieved all that I write about? No … I’ve made much progress from the old me but I aspire to much more. I struggle with these concepts daily. But it seems, over time, the struggle gets easier.
And that’s one man’s opinion.
Thanks for reading.
Nunzio.
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Beautiful, as usual, my dear Nunzio. So often we forget that Love is so much more than just a feeling… it’s also an act of our will. Love,
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This was beautiful, I had tears… me… tears! unheard of. 🙂
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Very nice. True too. I wonder sometimes too. To me loving someone is being able to see their faults and love them anyway. Being able to hold each other up when times are tuff, not turning on each other. It is pride…yes, pride in each other. Giving 150% on both sides…all of the time. Tenderness for the other’s heart.
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Love is action! Absolutely, Nunz!
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I find that people love how they want to be loved. realizing that has helped me to learn how I want to be able to show love in return. and, it’s made me more aware of the need to be upfront with my partner about my own needs. it’s all a learning process, I guess.
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*Hands you the best piece of chicken*
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This is a beautiful entry. My answer to the question: Instant gratification and the idea that things have to “feel good” to be good.
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I’ve always said if we don’t tell our men what we expect of them they will never know.
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When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love. Yes, that is love. And beautiful that an 8 year old can see that. There is hope.
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ps. thank you. =)
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I like the Christmas present one 🙂
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Ryn: Not going to. He’s not one of those kind.
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Out of the mouths of babes. I enjoyed this.
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You appeal to the charitable side of me.
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I know, I know.
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I love that, “what is love” thing. It is so sweet 🙂 ♥
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now i have that silly song stuck in my head
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We all should remember to learn from children as much as teach!
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I wrote my first hit 😀 ha ha. well not my first but first in a long time… i got like 50-60 comments on it.. ha ha, no matter how controversial..
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NOT that you’re talkng about ME, but… Love hasn’t gone anywhere in MY life. Part of love, and life, is putting up with our spouse’s failings, without turning outside of the marriage to another, and without LEAVING. THAT is love. Sticking it out. TEACHING the person what we need. Accepting the differences. I don’t buy into your concept, at ALL, that we are solely responsible for our happiness.
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When we live our lives side by side, part of that understanding, that commitment, is the expectation that the other person has our BACK when we need a hand. Yes, yes, our “core” happiness is ours and ours alone to take responsibility for, but you can’t believe for one second, that another person, the one we LIVE with, the one we devote it ALL to, doesn’t have some share in whether or not we are
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happy!? Your view of love and relationships is lovely (enjoyed the kid thing), but it’s naive and unrealistic to boot, in my opinion.
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i must say that makes u think doesnt it, some of the stuff kids say it makes u realise how lucky you are, how many people love you yet you just dont see and appreacate it all the time. you made me think now….
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Aw that was really sweet. I really enjoyed reading how the innocent mind of younger children can view it and it is so beautiful the way they put it also… really enjoyed your entry 🙂
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“They believe it is something He is doing, or not, that causes their unhappiness Why do we NOT take responsibility for our own happiness” Because why shouldn’t another person add to the satisfaction in our lives? Nobody is saying that they rely COMPLETELY on another person for their happiness, but when another person is a part of your life they are a part of your happiness. And when they
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bring you down your happiness (your happiness with them) is compromised. What is the point to being in a relationship if that person does not leave you with a happy feeling?? But just where does love go if you throw it all away at the first sign of UNhappiness, rather than working on it??
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And looking at what you have posted here of what “love is” according to children, don’t you think that we, as adults, agree? So what happens when ALL of those things and more stop?? Then what is love?? That’s why people get unhappy. Generally it’s the guy that does this, but it can be either partner: you get into a relationship for such amount of time, but you start getting into routine, you
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come home tired, you stop doing all of those things above, all of those sweet little things which make relationships so amazing.. But here’s the catch- your partner KEEPS doing those things, and keeps TRYING to re-ignite the spark in you, but you’re just too goddamned lazy because you’ve had “such a hard day”. Don’t you think that’s cause for unhappiness from the woman??
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“we rarely, if ever, tell him or her what we need? ” Women ALWAYS tell men what they need. They just refuse to listen and come up with excuses not to do it. And you know what? More often than not women want the LITTLE things back. The little things you never even thought twice about a month, two months, two years ago. You just did them. If you can’t tell the difference between when a woman is
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happy by the little things you do, and unhappy by the things you’ve stopped doing then that IS your fault, not hers. She may want to think you love her in other ways, but it gets hard to believe after a while when she’s feeling so neglected. (And by “you” I’m not aiming this specifically at YOU, just at men in general,or women who are like this..)
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I really liked this one….especially the ending. “I helped him cry” That got me!
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You always have such important things to tell us. Thank you.
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Edit entered 12/01/2005 – 23:43
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I totally get this. I remember this concept sinking in when first introduced to it (Intro to Psychology). But it is 4:30 in the a.m. and I really MUST go to sleep! Considering the entry I just posted – I may want to consider a labotomy. I’ll try sleep first. Sleep deprivation causes mental “accidents”. Oh – and I read you often though this is the first note. I think. Oy…MUST SLEEP
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oH…and I have more to say…about this concept (“no one can MAKE YOU FEEL) later. Just. Not. Right. Now. ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz I’m dozing off…..
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I couldn’t agree with you more. It seems so obvious to me that I can’t fathom anyone disagreeing with you. My favorite has always been “you make me feel guilty.” No, you make yourself feel guilty…
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I was going to note yesterday and forgot. I was going to make these changes in mindset and forgot too. Thanks for the reminder. It IS a work in progress after all these years.
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I agree with your concepts…well, most of them, lol. Did I just AGREE with you? hee hee Also – when you get old I will paint your toenails for you if you want me to, ok? Just let me know whether you prefer pink or purple polish.
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I agree. We are responsible. If someone is causing us pain and we choose to stay, it is our fault for staying.
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RE edit: although I tend (reluctantly) to agree with you most of the time, I still think you are a legend in your own mind 🙂 heeheehee
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Even though I seem down on love most of the time, I have never given up on it in it’s purest form. I believe in the concept. No matter the hurt I’ve gone through, I’m always willing to accept it and will move on in search of it everlasting. It’s about the risk and the happiness that comes.
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Oh, my Nunzio. May I just say that sometimes, my darling, you are naive? LOL. I will not make this one private, how’s that? I say this to you: Sometimes it’s not about blame at all. Sometimes we choose to leave a relationship because we gamble on a new set of circumstances which may make us “happier” than we currently are. Like scrabble, when you dump all your letters and…. (cont)
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…and hope for better. While it may be true, I will concede, that you can “choose” to be happy in any relationship (?? I think that’s naive, with or without “blaming”), it is definitely true, in my opinion, that… (cont)
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…we choose change. Because that’s the best thing for us. Are you suggesting we should stay and make the best of a bad thing because we owe it to our spouse? I am not clear on that one — please explain your thoughts on that one. Are you suggesting that we don’t “love” enough when we leave? And we SHOULD stay and “choose” to be happy, regardless? Just one girl’s opinion. And PS..(cont)
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….I take offense if you are suggesting I am one of the women in FOD who is blaming. It’s not about blaming at this point. It’s about — pure and simple and uncomplicated — the way I WANT to — and will ultimately “choose” to spend the rest of my life. Love to you, toots. –R
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OMG! I’m in love with Point of Orgasm. At least her opinions! LOL. You frickin’ GO GIRL! I agree!
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Incidentally, I am in love with THE point of orgasm too. My favorite point. Well, second favorite… I’m just sayin’….
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I believe what your saying is WE are responsible for our OWN happienss. I mean in the short & sweet version anyway. As you mentioned these are your opinions I am more afraid of those who don’t openly accept that you are allowed to have your own than anything else. What I mean is you don’t have to agree but at the very least read it with an open mind!
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Oh yeah. *I* want to continue this conversation! You’d better believe it!!!
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my good friend shoeshine and i talk about this a lot. especially since im going thru a divorce and hes about to go to counciling for his marriage. love and what happens to us and why and why people dont take responsibilty for what they say/do. i dont know why but it seems human nature is to lie to yourself and the ones around you for no reason
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“Im not delusional. I know I espouse very unpopular and threatening concepts ” i think its a good concept besides whos to say your wrong? “them” well “they” also said the world was flat and that man cant fly but here we are winging our way around a circular world
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~soft smiles~ I have always held to the opinion that I am responsible for my own happiness and sorrow. How I personally choose to handle a situation, (good – bad – otherwise) will have a direct impact on how it will affect me. No one is perfect. Even in the worst relationships where abuse is abundant, it is not all one person’s fault. They are equally responsible for their own actions (cont)
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The abuser is responsible for the abuse – the abused is responsible for enabling it. This does not mean that the abused is responsible for the abusers actions by any means. They are only responsible for the choices they make that keep it in their lives. (not a popular sentiment – but I have my own personal experience in this) It is easy to lament the way we are treated (cont)
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It is much harder to acknowledge that how we choose to accept what is put before us and how we choose to let it affect ourselves is truly up to us. I could easily say “It was his/her fault” but in the end, it is up to me. It is my choice on how I react/act. Happiness is mine to make and feel and I can no more MAKE you happy than I can MAKE someone love me. It is and has always been up to me.
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When I first read your entry I actually really concentrated on the aspect of how we just assume that another person is magically able to tell what we need. I know I have gotten to the point where I say, if they can’t tell that I need them to hold me then they don’t know and therefore this is not a loving relationship. I have a hard time telling someone I need something, but you have helped me..
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realize the importance of that. I’m shortchanging myself and my relationship by not vocalizing my needs. I’m blaming someone else for not meeting my needs when they have no idea what the hell those needs are. I just wanted to say thanks.
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Hello Nunzio: If you don’t mind a word from a new noter, here is food for thought. Webster’s Dictionary, Affect=to move the feelings of. I have studied Psychology my entire adult life, and I fail to see where a lack of needing other people, could be anywhere near prime emotional health. Writing is a fine outlet, but what happened to pure and simple eye contact? Sincerely,
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GREAT comment Rapunzelish. However, respectfully, I think you’ve misinterpreted my belief. Since you are private, I’ll respond here, shortly.
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God! Now I remember why I’ve missed your writing so much… I’m in complete agreement…… Like Dr. Phil says- yeah, I’m a huge fan of his- hate me if you will….”You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” Very well written..Kudos to you, m’dear!
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didn’t someone once say (was it will rogers?) that we are about as happy as we make up our minds to be. that oversimplifies what you are saying, but so much of the crux of our relationships are fueled by how we feel. example: do i take offense (or not) at the non-kiss goodbye? if i do, then my day might be crappy. if i don’t, then i don’t carry that sadness with me. i choose how to respond.
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I think there are quite a few people out there who have forgotten what love is or perhaps they have never known what it is in the first place. I loved the excerpt of the children above hopefully people will read that and remember to be kind to each other. *HUGS*
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Ryn: It’s Mark. I know it’s wrong, but still Mark.
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This really rings true to me at this point in my life. It’s a truth that I’ve always known but to actually attempt to “live it” is a whole other story. It is hard work but in this truth I am finding a release from pain and guilt.
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I agree with you….. I was in a marriage that was painful because I chose to stick it out until our sons were old enough to drive and didn’t have to spend weekends with an alcoholic. I chose it, knowing it would be miserable over putting my sons in a bad situation that I couldn’t monitor. When the time was right, I left, I didn’t test the water with an affair, I knew I could swim.
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Ryn: Not really…36 is average. Now…if I was StillWaiting, oh hell yeah, I’d have to agree! That lucky winch!!! LOL.
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Hey you. Just a note to tell you that like a ton of bricks I finally see that I am responsible to some degree for my unhappiness and am going to take steps to remedy that. On the other hand, however, and this is just my opinion, sometimes it IS your partner that is not so much “causing” your unhappiness, but just is not allowing you to generate your own happiness. Sometimes…
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…it really IS your partner. Love to ya! R
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I tried to explain in FOD. Essentially, I have developed an interest in another man. We both knew I would. But having done so has brought me clarity, rather than more fog. Interesting, to say the least. This other man and I have almost no hope — ever — of any kind of future together so that’s not the issue. What happened, however, was that I realized I was hoping this new man…
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…would “save” me from myself. And it hit me so suddenly that if I went to a new man “as I am” we’d have the same issues eventually. So. What truly WAS the problem with me. And then I figured out the family thing, and how I have CHOSEN this quiet life because it’s nice and neat and not messy, like “family.” BUT. I NEED family. Messy or not. It FULFILLS ME. So…
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…I can leave Husband and then try to bring “family” into my life (and I am not talking a spouse — but kids, responsibilities, obligations, a purpose, rather than this indulgent, listless life I’ve chosen because it’s “EASY” and “CLEAN”) either with or without a “new man” someday (which, I expect would happen eventually). Or… I can try one last time — no holds barred…
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…to bring “family” into my life. Which is what I am going to do. We’ll just see if my theory works. I may be exhausted, burned out, tired, irritated and overworked if I bring a “family” into my kids, but looking at my distant past, I would say I will not longer complain about MANY of the things I complain about now. Which are, you and I both know, just “I’m so f*cking bored” issues.
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I can try this WITH HUSBAND, here in this awful town. If it doesn’t work, at least I’ll have that info. And I’ll have TRIED. And check out my FOD later today. Now. I am not totally buying into your theory, mind you, but I will try anything. I’ve said that all along, haven’t I? Hugs to you, Red
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I have to say, I completely agree with you on this one. We have the power to choose how much we will let others affect us. The only point I’m a little less receptive to is when you states, “By accepting the responsibility for our own pain, we are given the key to a painless life!” I don’t think this concept will eliminate pain entirely in our lives, I just think it will allow us to …
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… deal with it in much healthier manner. I came across your diary through Red’s. Really interesting stuff you got here. 🙂
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i agree with being responsible and not blaming your partner. reminds me of a saying, “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.” We blame others maybe because we don’t want to be the fools 🙂 i know i’ve been guilty however, i disagree that accepting the responsibility takes away the pain i rather think it is helps us heal strong n straight rather than sore n crooked
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Oh, to have the heart and soul of a child again. Don’t think I ever really lost mine, but was hidden for some time. Could not read this without smiling through the tears. Thanks for posting. Really enjoying reading your diary.
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ryopinions here: I think you are dead on. All very good concepts.
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