Isn’t it ironic

It’s kind of ironic, how blatantly discussing that awkward situation created a situation more awkward than she could have imagined. Yet she didn’t even notice. It almost would have been laughable, if it didn’t feel like a punch in the gut.

I think I have a problem with my emotions at the moment. I go from high to high, then low to low. I don’t have in-betweens any more.  And hearing that, from her laughing voice, the one that occasionally seems so condescending, though tonight was a whole lot better (and as we all noted, the dynamic was good, and we all bonded); well, I’m not going to deny it hurt.

It’s stupid that it should, especially considering all the thoughts and considerations that have been going through my head. If anything, I should be relieved. And perhaps feel less guilty. But I’m not. And I guess that’s saying something; though whether it’s good or bad I don’t know.

I feel like it’s fine for me not to know what I want but it’s so frustrating to feel like someone else might feel that way. Or maybe there’s a difference between not knowing what one wants, and knowing what one wants and trying to have it all. I feel like that may be what’s happening.

And I so don’t want some eighteen year old competition. Because that’s too ridiculous for words.

I knew there was a reason I was intimidated by the masses of female friends.

Cheers, Ayla, for putting your foot in it. It’s almost funny that she didn’t know what she was doing. And I wonder if he’ll tell her. And I wonder if she’ll mention it, two Tuesdays from now. And it’s almost a funny story, except the fact that I have absolutely no one to tell it to. Because I know that I wouldn’t be able to laugh with them.

I’m sick of the high highs and the low lows. And the lack of stability I seem to have. It’s not me. Although, I can’t deny loving the highs. I think I’m sleep talking at the moment. Last night and most of today I felt like that feeling was worth it, but tonight had a sour note to it towards the end, and I’m not sure anymore if it was worth it.