friday, 2am.

Friday night, just got home, kinda late I guess…

Night out without him for once. Kinda strange. Always starts off feeling kinda… empty, but then I get used to it.

Tonight started awkward – 3rd wheel – but not even with a couple.  Hectic, mismatched logistics, late trains, missed calls and the like. Hadn’t seen her in months and months, barely even friends anymore and it showed. Throwing the drinks back but no effect. Left there, met up with her, different party. Strange there with all those boys flirting and everyone so friendly, and then as she says, the "abrupt ending". She’s right, and of course I can see it from all sides, his and theirs and hers, and of course I’m the bitch, the unreasonable one, but you know. That’s okay. Whatever.

I can’t decide whether it’s better with him or without him… 

On the one hand, if he’s there it means there’s always someone to talk to, and everyone knows I’m "spoken for", as he says. But on the other hand, when he’s not there it’s different and I don’t have to worry about if someone else is having fun, I can just do what ever I want.

Shame.

Shame.

As I’d mentioned, not sure how much longer we can sustain this ? But again, whatever. Has it become a habit? Or is it really what I want?