a sip of wine, a sip of water

you know what, i’m glad you came into my life.
for many reasons, of course, and you know what they are.
but also, i’m glad because you have made me realise a million things – about myself, about my family, my friends, my goals and the world – my world. our world.
it sometimes takes another person to notice something that, if you think about it, was bleedingly obvious all along. and you’re right, you know.  you’re right when you notice that he’s never said a nice thing to me during the one and a half odd years of our friendship.  he’s never said one nice thing to me, and he’s never said one nice thing about me.
i’d always been the perpetuator of the friendship, i guess, and it always felt like an effort.  sometimes it was like banging my head against a brick wall.  sometimes rewarding.  but i’m not sure why we did it (do it?).
we’re completely different people. we were thrown together, and we kept getting thrown together over and over again, and it’s almost like we became friends out of convenience, nothing more. ironic, that. convenience.
there was even a time you needed me, and of course i was there, like i always was.  but still, nothing nice.
you made me realise  the lack of friends i have that are genuinely nice people.
for once i don’t despise the word nice. i crave it. but i despise the people that aren’t.
i wonder why he bothers, when there’s nothing in it for him really.  nothing except someone he can condescend, at his leisure, so he feels better?
full time work’s made him bitter, boring and almost lifeless.
he’s almost a person i don’t want to know anymore.  there’s no reason to know anymore.
i know you were worried when i moved, and so did he.  but it’s crazy, completely crazy, and i wish i could make you understand, make you see how little i really care about that, about him.  i think you must know it deep down, but your insecurities come out sometimes.
it’s amazing how consumed i have become. how nothing else matters. but it’s because nothing else is worth mattering. that’s how it feels sometimes, and it feels like there’s a reason for it, it’s not just a gut feeling.
i don’t want him to be in my life anymore, really.  i don’t want to hear his name, or see his face, and i most of all don’t want you to think i care about him, or think about him.  or even give a damn.  because i truly don’t.
and if there’s one thing i want you to believe, it’s that.
because i know that you believe everything else.