Why can’t you admit it?

Why is it so hard to say you’re a 48yo mother of two, grandmother of four?  I will never understand that completely.  It bothers me, and that which I cannot understand is that with which I cannot find peace.

They think you’re ashamed of them…our daughters do.  I do, too.  I don’t think you’re ashamed of them BECAUSE of them.  I think you’re ashamed of them because they prove two things you don’t want to face : gender and age.

What’s going to happen when Tiffany turns 30?  Are you going to shut her out of your life, because you can’t face the fact that WE have a 30 year old daughter?  She’s 26 now.  Should I try to prepare our daughter for rejection of that level, simply because she can’t hold back the hands of YOUR time?!!!!!

You’re getting older.  You’re a man trapped in a woman’s body.  It happens, and you’re not the only one. 

Everyone is getting older, as long as they breathe!

People mistake me for a woman all the time.  Do I get hostile about it?  No.  I wonder, because my voice is two octaves deeper than most womens’ voices, but I don’t really care about it.  Gender is not that big a deal to me, because I don’t define myself by it.  I happen to be a man who thinks, feels, and acts (apparently even LOOKS) more like a woman.  So what! 

I’m damned proud to be a father to two such wonderful,  beautiful daughters.  I’m damned proud to be a grandfather of four wonderful, beautiful grandchildren.  I’M DAMNED PROUD TO BE HUSBAND OF A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL WIFE/HUSBAND!!!!!!!!

Either way, I’m proud, babe.  Don’t you get that?!

You fight reality so hard, and that makes me resent you.  I don’t understand how you can possibly have the nerve to criticize any mothers when you don’t even like to acknowledge that you ARE one!!!!!!  How can you do that?  Don’t you have a conscience?

How can you say that Lori needs to step up to the plate and act like a mother, when you deny the existence of Elisabeth to everyone but me and those who know us personally?  How can you say that when you forced Elisabeth NOT to call you "Mommy", so as not to ruin something YOU had going on in your life….me.  How can you expect me not to hate myself knowing that I was the cause of a child losing her own mother, in so many ways?

And you wonder why she didn’t hop a plane and get here now?  I see why not.

How would you feel if she NEVER mentioned you?  How would you feel if, when friends talked about parents, she never once mentioned that she had a mother?  Would you like it if she told you not to call her your daughter in public?  Would you like it if she told you not to refer to yourself that way in front of Benny?  That’s what you did to her!

Lola just woke up, so I’m gonna wrap this entry up for now.  I’m getting too angry for my own good or yours, anyway.

I love you, Mikey.  Believe it.

PdC