Why can’t cancer get itself and die?

I am so incredibly angry right now.

I was talking to Lola earlier, and I referenced something that happened a week or so ago.  I said it happened "about a week or so before she died."  That just felt so WRONG! 

Why did Nanny get to live 89 years, just to waste away to nothing?  Why did God allow her to go through all the shit that happened in her life, only to have it end this way?!!!!  I DON’T WANT HER TO BE DEAD!!!!!

But I know she is, and I know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Funny….all the times I said I wished she would hurry up and die….I don’t really feel guilty, but I didn’t mean this way, either.  I meant that she should just go to sleep one night and never wake up again.  

We squared the house.  I apologized to her.  She apologized to me.  The guilt will probably kick in later….I don’t fucking CARE if it does.  I deserve it, anyway.

Why can’t cancer get itself and die?  If it were a human being, I would feel NO remorse if I killed it.

And I’m sad.  People keep telling me, left and right, that I should be happy she’s not suffering anymore.  She lived a long life.  I shouldn’t grieve, because it’s wrong.  Some of these same people have lost THEIR grandmothers to cancer, and I NEVER would have told them this shit!  I know the first two are correct, but it doesn’t change the fact that one of the most prominent and influential people in my life is gone now.  It doesn’t change the fact that my grandmother is dead, and that I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I may be 35 years old, but I feel 5.  

Yes, Nanny and I had a VERY troubled history, but we had a VERY EXTENSIVE history, too.  Not all of it was bad!!!!!!  There were plenty of good times, too.  I’m lucky enough to have a recording of her voice…and tons of pictures.  I have all her photo albums, at least for now, and there are LOTS of them.

I want to break something so badly, but what purpose would be served?  My coffee cup is not cancer.  It won’t bring anyone back from the dead to break it, for example.

I’ve always said I was raised by women.  Nanny was one of them.  Mama, Memaw, and Mary Helen were the other three.  Yes, my big, bossy sister! 🙂 

You know, that brings up another point.  Different from this, but kind of linked.

While I was down in Austin, MH and I got along MOST of the time.  I thought about Nanny’s life…losing all but one of her siblings before she actually died herself.  I realized that, aside from the death of a child, I think the death of a brother or sister would be the most devastating loss in the world, at least for me.  It was for Nanny.  No matter how angry I get, I always love my sister.  She and I are so very alike in so many ways, and she is a very important part of me.

The "having grandparents" stage of my life is narrowing.  I have one grandparent left, out of the five I had.  I know….I’m a grown man….but it hurts so much.  I’m so so so glad Memaw is here!!!!!!!!