Trying to keep things in perspective

You know, I almost opened this entry with the line, "With all the tragedy in life.." Then I decided that would set the wrong tone for this entry. This IS about loss and grief, to some degree, but it’s also about figuring out how to keep sight of what I haven’t lost, what I still have.

It’s funny what can snap me back to reality sometimes. I was reading a book, and something in it made me think how lucky I am to have my wife, our kids, and our grandkids. K, it’s not like I totally overlook them or anything, but I WILL admit to priorities being shifted out of whack, often.

Just a little bit ago, MH asked me if I thought we should start our trip home today. I don’t think so, honestly, but I’ll talk over it with Laurie. Then, I was reading Jeffery Deaver’s The Blue Nowhere, and one character was asking himself what he had done to screw up his own chances at a happy marriage and a family. That was like a wakeup call. Suddenly, I realized, yet again, how blessed I have been, even with all the loss that seems to love to visit us.

I’m in the midst of a great mourning period, for several reasons, right now. My grandmother is dying of cancer. I really REALLY miss my three grandchildren to whom all access has been lost. I miss my Daddy, and the 21st anniversary of his death is just 15 days away now. BUT…

I have Nathaneal, my sweet, beautiful 11 year old grandson, and Benny, my loving, energetic, handsome 2 year old grandson to focus on. Lately, it’s been so easy to focus on the loss of our two granddaughters and our middle grandson. Add to that the fact that I found out ON my middle grandson’s birthday (his 7th, to be exact) that my grandmother had just been diagnosed with cancer….well, it got ugly.

I promised our baby grandson, Benny, that I would hold myself together. Yes, I know, everyone will tell me I should have made that promise to myself, but I just couldn’t, at that moment. I don’t LIKE me. I don’t even know if I love me at all. But I love my family, and I don’t lie to my babies.

He calls me "Gampah"….he calls his grandmother "Gam-moo-moo" or "Gammy". When I apologized to Nathaneal about our not being able to visit him more often, he countered it by saying when he gets his first car, he’ll come visit us all the time. I got some great kids!

I have to hang this entry up for now. Laurie just woke up, and I have to tend to her morning needs.

Love to everybody,