Today

It’s still pretty early. 9:37am here, so 7:37am there, or “real time” as I have started jokingly calling it.

Today, Dawn has another procedure. I pray it will go well, baby. My love, I am with you. Each second of the day, feel my hand clasping yours. Feel me loving you. I am always with you, as I am a part of you, Michael.

You wrote of the incidents in February in your diary last night. Baby, I wish you had told me how it made you feel when you thought about it. You know, with two or three exceptions, I have not mentioned it to throw it in your face. On the contrary, baby, it was to point out our strengths and your ability to rise above self-destructive tendencies and have the guts and strength to keep living. You amaze me, baby.

I remember your voice, still, that night of my confrontation. You say I’m never cruel, but baby, I was hardly sweet!

Throughout our month of “separation”, I thanked God that you still talked to me each day, even if we DID argue sometimes. I attempted to convince you that you didn’t matter to me, because I WANTED to hurt you then. That was wrong. If I had left, what would have happened to my treasured Mikey Baby? We know the answer to that. You were trying to push me away, baby. You don’t have to protect me, Mikey. I am strong, too. The only protection you need to offer is that which your very existence brings me. You keep me safe – even from me, baby.

So see it as I do, if you can, Mikey :

I had to realize what a control freak I had become. You had to realize how much I really love you. So we lived through that test, and we became closer. How could that POSSIBLY be bad?!!!! It can’t, baby. You are not bad. You don’t have a bad bone in you.

I knew that dream….one of my nightmares of not long ago…..came from Jeff. I called you a street whore in that dream. I called my darling, wonderful husband a thing like THAT?!!!! What the fuck?!!!!

I understand your fears, baby. You were never taught to believe in Mikey. Guess what? I WAS taught to believe in Mikey. It is such a joy to believe in you, baby. You never let me down, either, you know? So what if we have moments where we kind of sting each others’ feelings. Those don’t count as let-downs or hurting each other. Those count as human experiences. HUMAN, DAMNIT! If I have to believe I am human, you have to believe you are, too! K?

Mikey, you are my rock. You are my anchor in this rough sea, baby. You are EVERYTHING to me, my darling!!!

I love you

Forever times pi cubed plus one,

Hermy