Thank God I haven’t died…..

I was just reading through someone’s diary I found on the front page.  One noter said something about having gotten kicked out of her mother’s house when she was 18, I think.  She said her mother had made a lot of ugly accusations and nothing could ever make her forgive her mother for that.

That’s why I decided to write this entry. 

It’s about forgiveness.

I have always believed that in order to BE forgiven, one must forgive others.  It always bothers me to hear people say, "I will never forgive ‘so-and-so’ for this or that."  It really bothers me, because I am afraid they will not make their peace with God, which means they might not make it to Heaven.  I don’t like the notion of ANYONE going to Hell.  I don’t think there’s anything bad enough to be punished for all of eternity, even the most heinous crimes.  Of course, I’ve never fallen victim to any of the crimes I’m thinking of, either.  If I had (or someone in my family had), I might see it differently, but I really hope I wouldn’t.  

Thank God I haven’t died!  I am in the process of figuring out how to forgive Nanny for all the damage she’s done in my lifetime.  I would like to be able to accomplish this while SHE is still alive, too.  It’s already easing.  There’s just something about knowing for sure that she is dying that makes it seem pointless to hold on to all the bitterness anymore….at least, sometimes.  Sometimes, I still get angry and bitter over some things that have gone down in the past 21 years.  It really does seem like one little phrase – "She is not expected to live another six months" – has begun a change that I’ve needed to go through for a very long time.  It’s almost too late to be for Nanny’s benefit, which makes me very sad.  No one knows for sure how much time they have left, though.  I could die tomorrow or 90 years from now, for all I know, and I have to deal with whatever life throws at me…..it’ll be so much better to start with a clean slate, which I will be capable of if I can manage to totally forgive Nanny.

As far as her forgiveness for MY errors….I don’t know what to say.  I think that will always remain a mystery.  She was just as bitter about me as I was her, and for good reason.  Every time she’d cut my family or me down, I’d aim that same dagger right back at her and cut down HER family or HER.  When she’d call my mother a whore, I’d call her mother a cold-hearted bitch.  When she’d tell me that "my mother’s family", which she always forgot was MY family, too, had "ruined me; put me down and made me believe I was no good", I’d throw it up in her face that SHE was the one who did that, while "my mother’s family" were my support system.

Right now, all that doesn’t seem to matter much, even my part in it.  I feel bad, but not guilty.  I’ve had 20 years of guilty, and I don’t need that right now.  To be able to function, I need peace in my life right now. Since I can’t seem to obtain it from any outside source, I have been put into the position of finding it inside myself, which is where it is SUPPOSED to originate, anyway!

On another note – a little update here – my family is planning a Christmas-themed get-together later this month for Nanny.  We will go to Austin, have a Christmas party, and sing carols for her.  MH wants Nanny to be able to ENJOY Christmas this year, so we’ll have it two months early.  That’s okay with me, because I don’t honestly think Nanny will even make it to Christmas.  Or, if she does, it will not be pleasant.  She won’t be "here enough" to realize what’s going on.  She barely fits that bill right now.

I can’t make it go away, but I can try to make it easier.

Love to all,

Jack