Strange…I feel okay

It’s one day after we buried my grandmother, and three days before the 21st anniversary of the death of my father, but I feel okay.  Happy, even.  And it doesn’t feel disrespectful or wrong. 

I miss my Daddy sooooo much, and I already miss Nanny in such a powerful way…yet, there is a sense of peace that I HOPE will last.  They’ll be together for their first Christmas in 22 years.  That’s a good feeling.  It feels nice that God is giving Daddy the privilege of spending that wonderful day with both his parents.  Nanny’s probably holding Grandpa in her arms, maybe dancing.  And she’s probably falling all over my sister who died four days before her birth….Katrina.  I never had the honor of knowing Mary Helen’s identical twin, since they were born 2 1/2 years before I was, but there was always the feeling that a piece of my life was missing.  I have always longed to know the sister I never had a chance to meet.  And now Nanny is up there, saying to anyone who will listen, "Isn’t des baby just beautiful?!!!"  I guess they’d better agree! 🙂

And Nanny missed my Uncle Ray, Mama’s little brother.  She told me once that she was "in luff vit Ray."  Everybody was.  It practically killed Memaw to lose her baby. 

I didn’t understand, for the longest time, how my grandmothers reacted so differently to the deaths of their children, but I think I’ve figured it out, finally.  

Nanny had one child.  Memaw had eight.  Memaw lost two of her children.  Her oldest, Edward, at the age of four months.  None of my aunts or uncles got to meet him….only Memaw and Papaw.  Then, when Ray was 29, he died in a freak accident.  He was electrocuted by a misplaced power line in an oil field.  I was ten when that happened, but I still remember that day as if it were yesterday.  I still see my grandmother collapsing on the kitchen floor, and the adults surrounded her and wouldn’t let me go to my precious Memaw.  I understand that, now.  I didn’t, then.  It hurt that Ray died, but it hurt so much to see the effect it had on my grandparents.  Papaw was numb.  I wish Memaw could have been.  She almost suffered a nervous breakdown.  Being a mother was her LIFE, and the youngest, most vibrant part of that life was now gone.  How it must have hurt.  It still hurts her, when she has a moment of clarity and thinks of her children, but she never became bitter about it.  

Nanny, on the other hand, became EXTREMELY bitter about losing Daddy.  She was so angry with God that she wouldn’t speak to Him for years, except to utter a quick "forgive me" before she went to bed at night.  She was so caught up in her grief that she completely overlooked, for the rest of her life, that she was not the only one who experienced a loss.  He was my mother’s only husband.  He was our only father.  But such is the power of grief.  I was told, about a year ago, by my counselor that it was amazing that Nanny survived his loss at all.  Apparently, there are statistics that say when a parent loses his/her only child, the majority of them wind up committing suicide.  Nanny thought and talked about it.  Thank GOD Grandpa was still alive.  He was terminally ill but alive!  If he hadn’t been, we might have lost Nanny a lot sooner.

Memaw once told me that she thought it was harder for Nanny to lose her child than it had been for her with either of her losses.  She said that it was different with her first baby, Edward, because he was still a baby.  Not to take away from the importance of a child at all, ever in life, but she said that she eventually realized it was easier to deal with his loss than Ray’s.  She knew Edward for the nine months she carried him and four months of life.  She knew Ray for the nine months she carried him and 29 YEARS afterward.  More time to get attached.  More time for the love to grow every day.  More time to cling to him, basically.  (God, this is hurting my heart so much to write all this!!!!)  She still had six children after Ray died.  She thought that made it somewhat easier, if you can use that word, to cope with the loss of her baby boy.  Nanny didn’t have any other children to lean on for comfort. 

But, then, Memaw has always been an extraordinary woman.  Kind, sweet, loving, and accepting of everyone, not just family.  I have never met one person who has met Memaw and didn’t adore her. 

The mere idea of one of my daughters dying fills me with such dread that I cannot even explain it.  It may be a little different for me, since I did not have the honor of raising them myself, but I’ve been quick to point out to people that I’ve had my girls for seven years, which gives me just as much legitimacy of parenthood as anyone else could love a child they had seven years ago.  It doesn’t matter that one of my daughters is only 6 years younger than I am.  I’m an old soul; Tiffany is a young-at-heart free spirit.  It worked perfectly well for me to become her father.  Elisabeth, my Baby Girl, is 19.  I always like to imagine that she IS my biological daughter.  I was only sixteen years old when she was born, but then again, she was only sixteen years old when she gave us our youngest grandson, Benny, Jr.  

Oh, I’m blessed to have my family, and I know it.  I don’t take them for granted, because I DO realize, from a lot of experience, how fragile life really is; how easy it would be for God to pick any of us from His rose garden at any moment.  

It may sound messed up, but it really seems like I can understand God’s plan for the way things have happened, so far.  He let Daddy come home, at the age of 43, because Daddy had emphysema and possibly lung cancer….he would have suffered tremendously, had the accident not taken him in the blink of an eye.  Grandpa was already sick when Daddy died.  It seems to me that God planned it that way so that Nanny would have a renewed focus for her life after the death of her only child….taking such sweet, loving care of her husband.  Maybe all but one of her brothers and sisters died before she did because God knew Nanny was stronger than they were, in a way.  She could take it, and maybe if she had died first, they couldn’t have taken it.  She was so much of a motherly presence in their lives.  I think Nanny was given a gift when she developed Alzheimer’s.  She had always said that if she got cancer, she would kill herself.  So God gave her a condition that would keep her from realizing she HAD cancer.  She didn’t know she was so ill, so her parting was not dread-filled…meaning that she didn’t know for sure it was coming so soon.  And why did he let my sister, my nephew and niece, and me take care of her?  Because we needed to find peace with Nanny.  

I guess I"m strong, too.  Nanny was, no doubt, the most powerful influence in my life, be it good or bad at any time.  To lose

her, in a way, is totally devastating, but that’s why God let so many family members and friends go first, maybe….to welcome her home.  To give her comfort and companionship after so many lonely, tragic years in life.

Maybe I’m just crazy.  I don’t know, and right now, I don’t care.  I’m still feeling peaceful, even though this entry has been hard to write.  I know we’ll meet again.  I don’t "think" or "feel" that.  I KNOW IT!  And it will be wonderful to see them all again.  Right now, I have to remember the people that are still here.  My wife, whom I love more than anything in this world.  My wonderful grandmother, Memaw.  My precious Mama.  The triangle – Mary Helen, Johnny, and me.  My daughters.  My grandchildren.  My precious nephews and nieces.  So very many others, too.  These people are not named in any particular order…how could I possibly rank who is most important?!!!!!  I know I said I love my wife more than anything in this world, and that’s true AND not true, all at the same time.  I love them ALL the most!  No favorites, except all of them!  🙂

Thank you for reading this, if you have,

Jack