Step-parents are parents, too

An acquaintance of mine recently lost his 13 year old daughter.  Both my acquaintance and his child’s biological mother have remarried since the child’s birth.  What struck me was that people kept sending their condolences to the biological mother and father of this child, yet the step-parents were completely left out.

While I can’t know the particulars of her relationships with her step-parents, I was imagining if it had been one of MY girls.  I have two step-daughters, much as I dislike the word "step" in front of the word "daughter".  If everyone passed condolences along to Laurie and left me out, I would feel very alone, very unappreciated, and very very sad.  Well, I would already be a mass of inconsolable blob, because my girls and their children are my lifeline.  I should have said it would only add insult to injury.  

Step-parents have a peculiar lot in life.  Anyone who is one would more than likely agree with me.  There are several instances by which a person might become a step-parent, as well.  My own step-father has four biological children, while my mother has three.  They married well after each of us was born.  My step-father, Wayne, was divorced several times before he married Mama.  Mama was widowed when she married Wayne.  So that is one circumstance. 

Another circumstance mirrors my own experience.  I was a single man with no biological children, never married.  I always WANTED children, but I never really believed I would have any.  Then along came my wife, I fell madly in love, and suddenly I HAD children of my own!  

Wayne is not a caring man towards me.  I believe that he cares about me somewhere deep DEEEEEP inside, but, due to my often-rebellious attitude during the time in which he married my mother and his generally unforgiving nature, we are not at all close.  I regret that.  At first, I did not want him to be a father figure in any way to me.  I’ve figured out that this was grief-related.  My father had died only a year before my mother married Wayne, and I was in the frame of mind that if I accepted Wayne as my father figure, I would be trying to replace Daddy, and I couldn’t let that happen, so I fought him, tooth and nail.  I’ve had Wayne on the edges of my life for 19 years now.  I love him, believe it or not, because he is the only father figure I have, because he matters to my mother, and because he is a good grandfather to all my nieces and nephews.  The sad fact is, he seems to consider me "Sue’s son" and not his own.

Mama is entirely the opposite with her step-children.  She has accepted his children as her own, even in the worst of times, and there have been plenty.  I am not here to throw stones at my brothers and sisters, though.  One of my step-siblings also has a rebellious nature, and she causes our parents grief, from time to time.  This weighs heavily on my mother.  Naturally, she feels tempted to say what is fair for me is fair for my sister.  It isn’t, and we both know it.  For example, I cannot visit my mother in her home, because Wayne cannot tolerate the sight of me, much less my presence in his home.  My sister, however, lives with them.  At first, Mama’s reaction was to say, "If Jr. can’t step foot in this house, neither can Joyce."  I KNEW she’d overcome that, but just in case, I advised her to rethink that attitude.  Yes, it hurts me to say that ALL my brothers and sisters can visit our parents and I cannot.  The point, however, is that I don’t think Joyce should be retaliated against in a his-vs-hers way.  Joyce is one of Wayne’s biological children, in case I’ve left it too vague.  

From growing up in a blended family, I learned a lot.  I know that when you marry someone, you become one with that person.  I also know that "forsaking all others" does NOT apply to your own children.  I know that when you marry someone with children, you’d BETTER be prepared to at least accept the child(ren)’s role(s) in the parent’s life.  From my parents’ example, I learned that Laurie’s biological children are MY children, too.  I may be "only the step-father" to some people, but to my girls, I am "Dad", and I cherish that name.  

Step-parents are parents, too.  This doesn’t mean that all of us are stellar parents that anyone would envy.  No, we have issues just like anybody else does.  We have faults.  We have our unfair moments, as well.  We’re people!  But we’re people who have consciously decided to become parents.  I see no reason whatsoever not to make the best of that.

Love to all,

Herman