Slow-motion epiphany?

I think my entry yesterday started a slow-motion epiphany.  I’ve been feeling much better since the anonymous noter left his gift for me.  Thank you very much, whoever you are!  It helped me tremendously, and I wish I could give you a big hug!

Now, what’s this entry to be about?  What I’ve figured out so far….or THINK I’ve figured out so far, anyway.  Maybe I’m not all there yet.

I just woke up a while ago, the tv blaring hissy noises, because a VHS movie I had put on had ended, and the tv was snowy.  When that situation was righted, I decided to take a bath (none too happily, I assure you).  As I was getting out of the tub, I decided I would go ahead and heat up the last two packages of Ramen noodles we had.   I’ve already eaten them, so that means we have four cans of various kinds of soups, about four or five cans of tomato soup, a package of add-water biscuit mix, and about three (raw) chicken thighs left.  That’s ALL the food we have left in the house.  But I’m not complaining this time.  This is where the epiphany begins again.

I briefly thought of my mother, and I had a momentarily hostile reaction, but then something hit me.  I believe my exact thought was something along the lines of "she’ll let US suffer, but she’ll give (my sister) Joyce everything on a silver platter!"  That’s when it hit me.  I’m actually correct about that, but I’ve been misinterpreting the REASONS for it.  Everyone and their dogs, including my wife and I, have been telling my mother she should boot Joyce out and let her struggle, let her live without so she’ll HAVE to do something to survive.  As it is, she has it made.  No worries about paying for jack shit.  No rent or house payment.  No bills.  She only buys what food SHE wants with her food stamps.  She doesn’t even buy her son his diapers and clothes, most of the time.  That’s apparently why he has grandparents that they live with.  

I can’t even VISIT that house, but she gets to LIVE there?  That’s another story, but maybe it’s somehow tied in with this epiphany, too.

I’m trying to find words to explain the clarity with which I saw the situation after thinking that little bitter thought about Mama and Joyce.  I guess it might sound dramatic, but it seems to me that the REASON my mother has been so icy and back-handedly-bitchy with us lately is that she wants better for us than for Joyce.  After all, not to sound prejudicial, but I AM her natural-born son, and Joyce is NOT her natural-born daughter.  

Why be harder on the one you want more for?  Why DENY the one you want to see have more?  I haven’t yet been able to find words to explain my thoughts on that one, either.  It’s an old-fashioned, nasty thing, akin to "tough love".  I don’t rightly know what my mother expects me to DO about our situation, as it is.  We have an illegal car, no gas in it, the only work I have is that paper route, we’re out of food, and we’re having difficulties staying alive, due to enormous burdens of depression, among other things.  But that’s not her problem, I guess.  

It’s our problem.  If she’s upset with me for hurting my sister Mary Helen’s precious HUGE ego, then that’s HER problem, not mine.  I can’t help it that I am the only one of the two of us who chooses to tell my sister what we REALLY feel about her.  

So what will change from this realization?  Well, physically, not one damned thing will change.  Mentally, however, I’m HOPING for a new, less volatile attitude….with less depression and more resolve to see things through. 

We’ll see!