She’s always there, in my mind, haunting me

I just woke up about 20 minutes or so ago.  I was having a perfectly pleasant morning until just about two minutes ago.  

I looked at the website for our local newspaper.  As usual, I checked the obits, and then I decided to check out the marriages and anniversaries.  That was my mistake.  That’s when SHE chimed in inside my head.

No matter how hard I try, Nanny’s voice is always inside me, saying something nasty about somebody or something.  This time, it was about my friend Carrie.  Nanny actually cut out Carrie’s wedding announcement a few years back, but not because she was happy about the wedding.  When she showed it to us, she actually told us she cut it out just to show how fat Carrie had gotten over the years.  That is hateful, and it’s thoughts like that that are ALWAYS inside my mind.  In her voice.  

She’s not even dead and she is haunting me.

I was going to say why can’t I hear Mama’s voice in my head instead, but that’s hardly been a lot better, lately.  I shared with Mama that I was having a cigarette craving the other day, and she said, "You may as well light one.  You’re going to, anyway!"  Thanks for the ever-loving support, Mom!

But she was right.  I’m smoking again.

Things MIGHT be making headway in my quest to adopt my girls.  I’m not really sure yet.  I called the District Clerk in my area, which is to whom I was referred for the matter, and she told me that I have to have a lawyer draft the paperwork….there are no forms pre-made for adult adoption.  I don’t buy that.  I don’t have money for a lawyer, either!  

Nobody in my family is too excited about my adopting the girls, either.  That really hurts my feelings.  When someone asks my mother how many grandchildren she has, she answers, "Nine".  Well, that’s not right.  She has ELEVEN.  She always leaves out MY kids, and that really hurts my feelings.  I’m really wondering if Mama has some kind of vendetta against me or something.  She seems to be getting more and more hostile towards me, and I don’t understand why.  It’s not like I share all my negative feelings about her with her.  I keep them in here or vent them to my wife and friends.  It’s almost like she resents me for existing, because my very presence in her life makes her marriage unhappy.  What a wonderful thought.  NOT.

I have one friend who keeps saying why should I give a rat’s ass what my family thinks, as long as the girls, their mother, and I are happy with our decision to adopt.  I say "our" decision, because I have to get my wife’s, my daughters’, and my daughters’ spouses’ approval in writing before the adoption can go through.  I haven’t gotten them all in writing yet, but they all agree it’s a good thing, thank God.  Now, if only my own mother could be excited for me.  She should know how much I’ve always wanted my own children, shouldn’t she?  And now, this is the ONLY way I can have my very own children.  Yes, I already consider them mine, but the law doesn’t!!!!  My family doesn’t!!!!  I want it set in stone that these are MY daughters, and if I should ever make anything of my life and have anything to leave to anyone, MY KIDS can actually have something from THEIR FATHER!!!!!  ME!

Mama says that step-kids have just as many, if not more, rights under Texas law than biological or adopted children.  I don’t know if she’s correct about that, but I’m not leaving it to chance.  My Aunt Nenia doesn’t have any legal say in what happens to Nanny, so it seems Mama may be wrong.  I don’t want it to be like that with my girls and me.  I want them to have the right to say what happens to their Dad, should I ever need them to.  

Elisabeth paid me a sweet compliment the other day.  This kinda puts everything back in perspective for me.  She and I were talking about the adoption, and she said something along the lines of, "I don’t know my biological dad, so you’re the only one for me!"  It was an incredibly sweet moment, and I can hear her sweet little voice in my head now, instead of that old harpy Nanny.  Tiffany called and said, "Adopt me!  Adopt me!  They’re going to send me to the pound!", which made me laugh.  

It’s kinda crazy.  I have such issues with the girls sometimes, particularly Tiffany, but when I think of them,

I’m not bitter.  I’m happy.  I’m proud.  I love them like nobody’s business!  And I KNOW it’s mutual.  Maybe they have issues with me that I’m unaware of…..I don’t care.  They still love and support me, and they are the ONLY ones in my life who, when I say how stupid I’ve been about something or what a mistake I made doing something, they ALWAYS says, "It’s okay, Dad."  Nobody else has ever done that for me before.  Everyone else, except my wife, kinda, has always rubbed my face in my mistakes.  Especially Nanny.  Ugh.  But this section is about my girls, not my mean old grandmother! 

I love their Mama, too.  My Mikey is an incredibly complicated person, but I tell you what….we’re perfectly matched with each other.  Nobody else would take either of our bullshit to the level that each of us does.  Therefore, no one is entitled to the GOOD things about each other the way we are.  That’s nice to know, actually.  I like being married and being a father and grandfather.  

The other day, I posted on Facebook that I would soon be the legal grandfather of three beautiful grandsons.  After I posted it, I realized I was wrong.  I’ll be legal grandfather to ONE grandson.  Benny, Jr.  Nathaneal will be my legal cousin.  Isaiah MIGHT wind up being my legal nephew.  But Nathaneal knows us as his grandparents, no matter what the law says, and I can’t help but feel that adopting his birth mother will somehow legitimize our bond.  Does that make sense?

I guess I’ve rambled on enough for one entry.  I have more to say, but I’m not sure how to put it all in words, anyway.  

Love to all,

Jack