Sex drive
Since Joyce and her husband, then my best friend Stacy moved into our house, there has been lots of talking, laughing, discussing about everything under the sun. Since Joyce is my little sister and Stacy my closest friend, Laurie and I talk to them about anything and everything, including sex matters.
It’s become a running joke that I "never give any" to my wife. Frankly, I don’t find it very funny. There’s a lot that apparently no one understands.
I’ve been trying my hardest to fight off sexual impulses towards men, since I AM married, and I do consider it a lifetime partnership…a MONOGAMOUS lifetime partnership. It just seems like every time what I call "the beast" gets turned loose, it all starts over again. I find myself having issues about missing the male body. I don’t like that. It’s not right for me, and I can’t have it, anyway. I’ve been completely faithful for a little over nine years…the ENTIRE time we’ve been a couple.
The first five were very hard, because I had only abstained for two years at any given time, before. I always joked that I "went into heat" every few years, but it’s really not a joke. Or it wasn’t. Now, I’ve deleted all my dirty videos and bookmarks, pictures…anything I think might lead me towards the wrong path for me. I’m not saying whether it’s right or wrong for anyone else, but I’m a Grandpa, for God’s sake! I don’t need to have my grandsons thinking my marriage to their grandmother is a sham. And stuff gets around, no matter how discrete you might think you are.
Apparently, from my younger years, I have a reputation in this town as the slutty faggot a guy could go to when his girlfriend said no. Well, that USED TO BE me. It’s not now. Now I’m married.
It’s a battle, because I don’t know what I really believe anymore. I know that for ME, it’s wrong to be gay. It has to be, or I wouldn’t have been presented with a female partner. I firmly believe she is the answer to all my prayers and those of my family. That doesn’t have to mean that I think being gay is wrong for everyone…just for me.
So yes, I don’t give her any, but it’s nothing personal about her. Since I’ve been quite blunt already, I may as well say that she is quite good at what she can do. I have no reason not to want to engage in that EXCEPT I don’t want to fall back into that damned situation.
Frustration central.
Youre robbing your mariage of intimacy. Laurie needs to feel loved and wanted,regardless of what gender we identify with. As you each have the eqipment for hetero sex,I suggest you get on that pronto,Sir. Sex is not just a physical release,its emotional and almost spiritual. I cannot imagine not having sex for 7 years when my partner is able. Thats just selfish. You should not have married.
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I disagree with BentnoBroken. You don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t feel the desire too. That’s abusive to you on an emotional and spiritual level. The fact that you recognize your lack of attraction to her and still remain monogamous shows that you are not selfish in any capacity. I don’t think heterosexuals can ever truly understand what you’re going through as they…
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…don’t understand what you’re really feeling. I also think that you need to recognize that you were a gay male and thought you were going to meet another gay male when you went to pick up Laurie. That you married her was a truly selfless thing to do given the complicated (to say the least) background between you two. I can’t say it was the healthiest choice from my perspective but it’s…
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…clear that you two love each other and that is important. I think your sexuality will always be a part of you, and similar to how only ignorance and naivety will allow people to ‘pray away the gay’ believing that you can just ignore the urges probably hurts you more than it helps. It doesn’t mean you can’t ignore them, it just means that the real issue isn’t being dealt with.
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And although i’m sure the book i just wrote you came off somewhat offensively, i want you to know that it comes from an honestly caring part of my heart that isn’t meant to hurt or beat you up in anyway. It’s just my own personal observation from all these years of knowing you. I know you’ll make things work in the end, as you always do, but it probably won’t as easy as some people think.
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