Reliving Matt

 

I don’t know if I should view this with the dread that I do, but hey, such is life.  So many of the other diarists I read are going through rough times, where they feel like they have missed out on love, fate, LIFE in general.  I wanted to share part of my story.  It may already be in this diary, but I don’t know exactly where, in this tangled web of entries, so here I go again….reliving Matt again.  What does not kill me only makes me stronger – but it can hurt…oh my, it can hurt.

So here we are, my friends…..

For starters, let me say that this is Barbara.  Jack was feeling sad about rehashing the past, but we feel maybe it can help someone somehow, so I shall tell it.

In 1986-1987, Herman (as I shall reference the body we inhabit) was in the sixth grade.

On the schedule for the year were the usual classes, which included P.E.  Now, none of us are particularly athletic, so this was disappointing for us, at first.  Quickly, it became what used to seem the best thing that ever happened to us.

Matt was in the seventh grade, and he was in Tennis.  The P.E. and Tennis classes that Herman and Matt had were during the same school period.  Though they did not see each other, usually, during that time, both classes used the same locker room.  This is how we first saw Matt.

One day, while shy little Jack was changing clothes and wiping down with a rag (he never liked public showers), he noticed this very pretty boy, whom he had thought was a girl until this point, doing exactly the same thing.  That established, in Jack’s mind, a bond immediately.  Both of them were rather insecure about themselves, and neither wanted to take a shower with the other boys.

From that day onward, Jack tried his best to be in the same place as Matt whenever he could.  It was an innocent enough schoolboy crush, though later, one wonders if it turned from love to obsession.

For the next three years, Jack shied away from actually introducing himself to Matt.  He would have mutual friends say hello for him and such, but he did not establish direct contact with Matt until Jack’s freshman year in High School.  That would place us in 1989-90.

Since both were a bit older, and, one would figure, more mature, Jack actually decided to take a chance and meet Matt directly, face to face.  So he did.

Just being around Matt made Jack’s heart dance with delight.  He always thought Matt was so beautiful, and that singing voice that Matt possessed was always so enthralling to Jack, the biggest music lover of us all, perhaps.

During Jack’s sophomore year, he auditioned for a musical.  Lil’ Abner, as it turned out.  There were two main reasons, and it was difficult to guage which was the REAL reason he tried out.  Jack has always longed to perform for a living, so that was a given.  Also, he knew Matt was already cast.  So he tried out.  Jack won the part of Lonesome Polecat, a very small role in the musical.  It was so charming when he performed, because he unintentionally got a laugh.  As it turns out, for the first (of three) performances, Jack had developed an acute backache.  Every so often, it would feel as if someone stabbed him in the spinal cord.  During his one memorable (and possiblyhis ONLY) line, Jack was to say, "Kickapoo joy juice – heap big firewater!"  Well, just as he uttered "heap", a stabbing pain struck him, so he blurted out the word "BIIIIIIIIG", which earned him a laugh.  That was when Jack decided that maybe he could figure out the mechanics of acting someday, even though this had been unintentional.

Matt had one solo song in the show.  "Bring Back The Good Ole Days".  During the rehearsals for the preceding month, I believe it was, Jack would always sit transfixed as others rushed in and out of the auditorium.  Anything to see Matt.

So from there, we move on to the times when Jack would write "good morning" notes for Matt each day.  Once, Matt actually took the time to do a drawing, which included a "have a great day" on it.  This touched Jack deeply, and he assumed, apparently wrongly, that it meant he had a special place in Matt’s heart, as well.

Now, this is already bordering on more than ordinary love, I suppose….more like obsession, as much as I am loathe to admit it.  But truth reigns here, and consequences be damned, for we MUST be honest with ourselves.

As it turned out, Jack and Matt signed up for choir when Jack was in the eleventh grade.  Matt was in the twelfth, his final year in high school.

By this point, it seems that Matt had decided to take Jack under his wing, to a degree, and try to help him.  He probably saw a severely emotionally disturbed boy who idolized him, even though the feeling seemed not mutual, and he made room in his heart for Jack as a friend.

As prone as Jack is to cling to any and all positivity, he mistook this for more interest than it really was.  Occasionally, I wonder if perhaps Matt actually DID feel more at some point.  It does not matter anymore, because even if he had, Jack severed ties with Matt at a later date.  We will get to that soon enough, though it hurts even me, because it was done unintentionally, but it was deserved for Matt to leave us be.  You will see why.

By the time Matt graduated from high school, Jack and Matt had established what seemed a good friendship.  Even Matt later acknowledged that to Jack, when the fatal error had already been committed.

The year was 1992.  Jack had visited with Matt at school and at his home many times.&nbsp

; In the process, he got to know Matt’s lovely mother, Cheryl.  We were all so fond of Cheryl.

One month after Matt’s graduation, Cheryl was in Dallas with her husband, their daughter, and their son-in-law.  A drunken driver plowed into the car.  Cheryl was thrown from the car and killed.  Her husband was very damaged from the accident.  Fortunately, their daughter and son-in-law were phsyically okay.  Emotionally, I can only imagine.  As my own father had died in a similar fashion three years previously, I knew what it felt like to have a parent suddenly and cruelly snatched away.

So Jack’s senior year passed by.  Jack missed Matt’s daily presence terribly.  He called Matt often, but he was afraid to show up in person, since the horrendous accident that had killed Cheryl.

The first year in college, Jack was in choir with Matt yet again.  They sat side by side, as they had in high school.  Soon, since the atmosphere was different from high school, it became open knowledge that Jack was gay and seriously in love with Matt.  This was a source of entertainment to many of their mutual friends.  I hope, looking back, that at least a few of them were serious when they said they hoped Jack and Matt came together as a couple.  Matt was never openly gay, but everyone knew he was, and they encouraged Jack to pursue his interest in Matt.

This year was 1994.  It was also the last year Jack and Matt ever associated with one another, so far.

Because Jack felt so deeply for Matt, it drove him crazy to hear of Matt’s romantic attachment to another man they both knew.  Jack was already jealous of this other man for other reasons, so when he heard rumors about Matt and this man, he went off the deep end and did things that he is ashamed of now.

The major break came when the choir was rehearsing for Fall Capers, the annual show that Navarro College’s choral, cheerleading, and drill team departments used to put on each year.  Many of Jack’s and Matt’s mutual high school friends also attended the local junior college just after graduation from high school, too.  Jack decided to take matters into his own hands.  This was a very BAD idea.  He pulled aside one particular female friend of theirs named Kyla.  Jack pretended to tell Kyla a secret, though he knew she would "blab it all over", as he puts it.  He told her of his deep love for Matt and his jealousy and hostility about the previously mentioned other friend of theirs.

So the end has arrived.

The day after Jack talked to Kyla, Jack arrived in choir class again, and Matt jumped up, pointed his finger at Jack, and said, rather loudly and harshly, "We need to talk!".  He took Jack by the arm and led him into the director’s office, where Jack bared his entire soul to Matt.  This is when Jack truly fell apart.  Matt said, "We were friends….damn GOOD friends!  Why would you do this?"  I still feel the pain that Jack felt when he heard the word "were".

So it has been since then that there is no contact between Matt and Jack, though Jack has often tried to drop a note, just to see how Matt is doing.  No longer.  Since finding Our Mikey, Jack does his best not to think of Matt.  This is why I have written this entry.

One of us will add another entry about the time between Matt’s departure from Jack’s life and Mikey’s arrival.

Much love,

Barbara Jean