Raging on the inside – keeping it inside

It always seems like I am totally NOT understood.  Today has been a bad day.  I have been hoping for some understanding from those who love me most, but what I get is anger, revulsion, and I am shunned for being angry and sad myself.

As I type this, I am sitting at Mama’s house.  Our electricity got disconnected yesterday while I was attempting to fix a friend’s computer.  Nanny was making noises like she would pay it for us, but all she has said today was how expensive her cable bill is, because she pays by the year.  I don’t care.

I don’t care, and that’s NOT OK with anyone but me.

I just don’t care anymore.  It’s too difficult to live my life the way anyone else wants me to live it.  I had made such great strides while I lived in Waco.  I even started back into the workforce, which was a major catastrophe, but also a big mistake to share with the family.  Now that they know I had one, no matter how badly it turned out, they expect me to immediately face my fucking phobia and go out and get another job again.  I picked up and filled out an application to be a substitute teacher again today.  The app is down at Martha’s office, because our dumb asses left it there.  It really shouldn’t hurt, though, because I can’t do anything with it until tomorrow anyway.

Now, we’re faced with several dilemnas in one.

1)

Johnny told me I was not to be in contact with Mama when I feel the way I do.  About that I don’t have a choice (except to stay all by myself in a dark fucking house all night) because Mama and Mikey decided we’d spend another night here at Mama’s.  It so happens I am angry at my mother right now, but ask if anybody cares….ha!  As if they EVER DO!!!!!

2)

Now the spouse is all upset because I am hurt by what happens with my mother because of my step-father.  It’s ridiculous that we should have to sneak around this way.  I’m not dating her!  She’s my MOTHER!!!!!  Is it really so bad….no, goddamnit…am I really that bad….that I can’t even visit my own mother?

3)

We’re not going to be able to make the house payment or the rent this month.  One or the other.  I don’t know what we will or what we won’t pay.  No bills again, as is becoming the fucking custom, and I resent the FUCK out of that.  Again, ask if that matters?  Nope, because Mary Helen, goddess of the world, doesn’t have a problem with US doing without.  As long as she and HER family are taken care of, my family and I can burn in hell for all she cares.

Well, fuck you, too, lady!

I’m tired.

Tired of everything.

Everybody who reads this…I need help.  Offer any words, good or bad.  I don’t think anything could offend me or hurt me worse than I am offended and hurt right now.

Go for it.

O