Phobic root

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

I FINALLY clued in on something rather important.  I’m not sure I was looking for the revelation, but it came to me, nonetheless.

I think I know what stemmed my social phobia.  Social anxiety, whatever….it’s more like a phobia, anyway.

Since as long as I can remember, I have not liked for anyone to watch me do things.  I’m talking ANYTHING.  I get all weirded out if I know someone is watching me.  I don’t even like My Mikey to watch me, which irritates the shit out of him, for some reason.

When I clean house, I want to be alone while I do it.  When I mow the lawn, I like to do it when no neighbors are outside.  When I wash the car, I always hope and pray nobody sees me doing it.  The only time I don’t mind being watched is when I’m on a stage, and it’s been YEARS since I was actually on one!!!!

Now the only problem is figuring out WHY I don’t like people watching me.  Then, cure that problem.  Once that is cured, if my logic is correct, the social phobia thing will work itself out….maybe with some intense effort, but it should still work itself out.

I think I may have a big clue as to why I have a problem with being watched.  When I made mistakes in my life, there was always someone there to ridicule me for them.  Well, who DOESN’T make the occasional mistake or blunder when doing something?!!!!  I don’t know anyone who is perfect on this Earth.

Why does it matter if anyone laughs or stares?  I don’t friggin’ know.  Now to figure THAT out.

Damn, I’m complicated!

Love,

Jack