Peaceful morning

 I can’t believe I missed celebrating on Saturday.  January 5 marks the anniversary of the date my wife arrived in Waco on a bus, back in 2005.  Things have certainly changed since then!  Boy, have they!

Eight years have made such a huge difference in my life.  I was a "faggot warrior", in my own words, back then.  Now, I’m a Grandpa!  It’s funny how very different those sound, even though my attraction to men is just the same as it was then.  I just don’t act on it.  For a few years, it was hard to make peace with it.  Now, it isn’t.  Somewhere along the way, something changed, and now I don’t seriously miss men.  It’s hard to explain.  I still find a male body attractive, and I’m still not attracted to a female body, but I no longer feel as if I’m missing out on anything by not finding a man to hold me…and other things.

I’m slowly making peace with myself and my life.  It’s not that it’s a bad life.  It’s not.  I am hopeful that if you’ve read me for a while, you know that I just have a bad temper but know how good my life is.  I do know.  And this sudden acceleration in aging that my body decided to do, during 2012, has made it NECESSARY to make peace with myself.  I don’t know what’s going on with my lungs.  In four days, it will be five months since I stopped smoking again, but I still have so much trouble drawing breath, and I tire incredibly easily.  I have no endurance whatsoever, so no "spare" energy….which means I’m flat too TIRED not to make peace with life anymore.  I won’t lie.  Anger IS comfortable for me, as my longtime therapist told me once.  But I picture my body as a car, and anger uses more gas than any other emotion.  Draw your own conclusions! lol  (And be nice!  I’ve turned from a sedan into a maxi-van, but I am a van with feelings!)

Now, a walking cane has become a semi-permanent part of my life.  I really don’t like what’s happening, because it’s EXACTLY like what happened to Laurie when she first started going downhill, except the breathing part….and, by the way, she also FINALLY managed to stop smoking again!  Yay!  She has been smoke free for six days, as of today.

We have to go to the doctor in Waco tomorrow.  I just hope I can get her into and out of the van without wearing myself out too much, since I have to drive.

I don’t have a whole lot else on my mind, right now, so I’ll wrap this entry up.  

Love to everybody,

Hermy