Panic attack, courtesy of midlife crisis

Now this is odd.  Since about the time of Memaw’s death, I guess, I’ve been going through some kind of midlife crisis.  It’s shifting now, the focus going off of the terror that time is going so fast….oh, I still feel like it is, but I accept that I can’t stop it, now….and moving on to thoughts of my mother being the matriarch of our family now.  

I found out that my Aunt Martha, Mama’s oldest sister (and really my favorite aunt), has Alzheimer’s.  It’s still early on.  We can’t seem to get away from that horrible disease.  It also scares the shit out of me, because she’s only 12 years older than my mother.  Mama will be 60 in September…still a ways to go.  But my 71 year old aunt has Alzheimer’s.  My Mama’s big sister.  I don’t even know how to explain how that makes me feel.  It’s not supposed to be TIME for them to have this sort of thing happen.  How did 30 years pass so fast, and will it for us?  Will I be in a nursing home tomorrow, in Nathaneal’s view?

While watching Golden Girls, I saw Dorothy curl up next to her mother, and it triggered a panic attack.  I realized that it’s probably not going to seem like that much more time before my mother is the old woman and I’m clinging to her desperately, just as I did with her mother.  20ish years, I’m thinking, but the last 20 have almost FLOWN by, now that they’re over.  My sister just turned 40!  How can it move this fast?

I don’t really have anything useful to say, but I wanted to document this.

Love,

Hermy