“Overwhelmed” is putting it mildly

I don’t know how to fully describe what is happening in my life right now.

We’re down in Austin, helping my sister take care of Nanny in her final days.  This is our eleventh day here.  Things have been okay between MH and me, for the most part….cloudy with occasional lightning and tears.  We seem to get on each others nerves every few days and have a minor blowup, but then it’s over as soon as it starts.  We’ll be okay, that way.

As for Nanny….

It’s really hard to watch what’s happening to her.  She’s fighting it like crazy.  She doesn’t admit anything is wrong with her.  No, she doesn’t know about the cancer, but her body has become so emaciated and weakened that it’s OBVIOUS something terrible is wrong with her, but she doesn’t admit it.  Since I have been here, she has become officially bed-ridden.  She can no longer stand up.  She cannot walk at all anymore.  She wants out of that bed so badly, but we don’t really have any choice or option to GET her out, and it’s really awful to have to watch this happen.

I’ve been suffering from LOADS of guilt, stemming from when she lived across the street from me and I’d get angry that she could break any rule of society she wanted and get by with it.  I occasionally, back then, would look across the street and yell, "Why are you still alive?!!!"  or "Why don’t you just DIE?!!!!"  Talk about eating your words.  Even in those hostile moments, I wanted her to go to sleep one night and never wake up.  

It doesn’t matter anymore if she was mean or nice.  It doesn’t matter if we had a good or bad past.  Nothing like that matters anymore.  She’s still my grandmother and she’s still going to die.

And I’m crying….AGAIN. 

The other day, an uuuuugly situation happened.  Nanny was feeling particularly energetic, so I loaded her into her wheelchair and brought her out to the dining room.  Alex, my precious nephew, whispered in my ear, "I can’t stand it!  She’s dying right in front of me!"  Thank GOD Nanny wanted to go back to her room within even 60 seconds.  She didn’t hear Alex, so it was her own decision.  It hurts so badly to watch what cancer is doing to my whole family.  MH and I have wild mood swings, which makes us unbearable to anyone else.  

I try to keep my crying fits as private as I can.  The other day, I broke down in the kitchen.  Alex, age 11, came up and hugged me.  I managed to say, "I’m sorry, Alex.  It’s just….that’s my grandma in there."  He quietly said, "She’s my great-grandma, Hermy."  I said, "I know, baby." and hugged him even more tightly.  He has been my rock throughout this visit.  I feel guilty for allowing my 11 year old nephew to shoulder that responsibility, even though he seems to have no issues with supporting me in my bad times.

Last night, there was a bad time that had nothing to do with Nanny.  I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say that Juli, my 10 year old niece, had a "Louis" moment.  Any long-time reader will know what that means and what my reaction was.

Because we needed help this month, financially, MH offered to pay our house insurance.  The problem is that we both forgot about it.  We scheduled it for the 12th, and it hit this morning.  I woke up in time to hear her on the phone with the bank.  She was saying that if they didn’t reverse the charge, which she didn’t realize was one she’d agreed to, she couldn’t send lunch money for her children or buy medicine for her dying grandmother.  A few minutes into it, I asked what the amount was…..then, it hit me, and it hit me HARD.  I was the reason my grandmother and my babies might have to do without.

What kind of piece of shit person have I turned into?  I don’t really want the answer to that question.  I already know it, anyway.

If you’re inclined to pray, please do so for my family.  Please pray that God takes Nanny quietly and as painlessly as possible. 

I don’t know what else to say.

Elf