Ok, here’s the full, real deal *IMPORTANT UPDATE*

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

 

Last night, I was very upset, obviously, when I typed that little entry that said I wouldn’t be making any more entries.  I meant it, at the time,  but I realized a few things and then decided that I would continue writing.  This is one of my few outlets for what I feel, be it good or bad, and I need that.

The real deal……

I’ve been displeased with the way life has gone lately.  Mikey probably thinks I regret being married, because I treat him rather badly a lot of times.  I do not regret it.  I am glad I have a partner who sticks by me.  I am glad I am married to my best friend in the world.  I am glad we have already made it through the "worse" part of "for better or for worse".  It may not be over,  but at least we know we can do it.

This whole being homeless thing was not new to either of us,  unfortunately.  We’ve each been there before.  One big difference, though, was that the kids were not involved this time, on Mikey’s end of things, thank God.  On my end of it, one big difference is that I no longer had Mama to count on.  Since Wayne retired, I’ve had even less of Mama’s time and energy than before,  and I’m really hurt by that and tired of it.

I realized last night that THAT is one of my biggest problems.  I have a complete family, just as I’ve always wanted.  I have my mother, my spouse, my siblings, my children, my grandchildren, and my nieces and nephews.

Now, tabulate the number of times I’ve been able to SEE any of them….spend time with them.

I see my sister MH and her children more than any others in my family.  I’ve met Tiffany, but I’ve never met her children…my grandchildren.  I’ve never met Elisabeth, in person.  I don’t have any reliable access to my mother anymore.

I have all I’ve ever wanted, but I have no way to access most of it!  I feel like I’m in Hell, where my desires will be granted but never satisfied!!!!

Do you have ANY idea how badly I ache to hold my grandchildren?  To give my daughters hugs when they feel bad?  How much it hurts me to be denied by my own mother?  I won’t even START on the whole Nanny thing.  But I DO feel  terrible for not seeing Memaw more often.

Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my Uncle Ray’s death.  I didn’t fully realize it until last night, but I know it was responsible for the day being crappy.  I had blocked myself from focusing on the date, and now I know why.  Every time I’d think that it was the seventh of November, I’d change the subject in my own mind before it remembered the rest of it.  But I guess my MIND remembered whether I actually did or not.

21 years is such a long time, on one hand.  And it won’t be long until my own father has been dead that long.  This year in December will mark 17 years for his being gone.

And I miss them.  I still love them the same as I always have.  It still hu

rts to see other people have their fathers and not appreciate them, for two reasons, it hurts….

a)  I’m jealous.  I want the father-son time that I can never have again.

b) I’m frightened for them.  If THEIR father dies, like mine did so suddenly one morning, I know the heartache they’re in for, because they didn’t straighten out the relationship while they could’ve.

When I feel rejected by my own daughter, I feel as if it’s maybe God’s way of telling me I should’ve done better with my own father,  so it serves me RIGHT to be denied by our daughter.  Because I was a bad son, I’m denied the chance to be a good father myself.  I hope I’m wrong about that.  I don’t like to think that God would punish me like that.

I know I’m not well-balanced.  I’m keenly aware of that fact.  It is my plan to get in to see a doctor again as soon as possible.  We’ve changed our address with the SSA again, so we should be able to get back into a doctor soon.  I need to get back on Effexor and Depakote, with Navane as my panic-breaker.  That seemed the most winning combination yet.  Not perfect, but closer than anything else ever has been.  I’m so tired of living my life afraid of everything.

I want to hold my grandbabies.  I think that is the majority of my problem right now.  I wish I didn’t get so nasty with everyone, in order to deny my pain.  It’s a bad bad BAD habit, and I don’t even realize I’m doing that when I do it.  I realize it later.  Like now.

Please forgive me, Mikey.  I am trying to be a better person.  It’s not easy, you know?

Love,

Piers

There’s been another death in the family.  It was not my grandmothers.  My cousin Gene, whose wife died in 2004, has just lost his baby daughter Sierra.  It just never fucking ends, does it?
I know absolutely NO details yet, except what my mother told me….crib death, she said.
I saw this child only once, but I know what this will do to her father and her sister Kasey.  Kasey, who is so much like Elisabeth, our daughter.  She was really the baby’s mother-figure, and I know she will be devastated.

I will update when I know anything useful.

Jack