Of an internal brother….

This is to be about Piers, as I see him to be. As many of you know by the color change of the font, I am Barbara, the eldest of the second generation within.

As I type this, I am listening to Piers’ recorded version of “Peace In The Valley”. It is rather poignant in several regards. When he sings, the voice takes on an older, more tired sound, so this lends more emotion to a song such as “Peace In The Valley”.

While much of what Piers has to say in this diary is about fighting and raging, this is not all there is to him. If you have been reading for a while, you may recall some entries where Piers was rather hyper and happy. Those moments are fewer now than they once were, unfortunately. This is a direct result of his search of peace for himself. Ironically, this very search is laden with sorrow and battles. The man that our internal brother actually is is often buried under a layer of bitterness and hostility. That is certainly a part of Piers, but it is NOT all of him.

Piers is a man who wishes for life to be fair for everyone. When this repeatedly is not the case, it upsets him, and that frustration leads to rages. It is very difficult for him to contain himself, though he IS getting better about that. I have much admiration for the true spirit of my brother. Often, what he says and what he feels are not really the same thing. He is a person who finds it difficult to ask for approval, for example, yet he desperately craves it. How happy it would make him to hear someone say a kind word about him. One small compliment can have him floating on a cloud. Likewise, he takes criticism very personally. Even if he knows it is meant constructively, it feels as though whomever has spoken has somehow put him down. Instead of tears and sadness, what often is Piers’ reaction is hostility. This is only bravado. He feels ashamed of himself for showing emotion. All except anger and hatred, unfortunately. This, I am trying to help him revise about himself. Perhaps someday, he will know that it is okay to express what he feels, even if it is not “hard and cold”, as he thinks of himself. That is not an accurate depiction of him.

Of Hank, in particular, I ask if you could work with Piers this way. You and he are very similar. Neither of you likes to show emotion unless it is “hard and cold”. I pray that you will ultimately see that it is quite all right to show softer, gentler emotions, as well.

Both are good men. They simply hide under a mean veneer. Do not let it fool you, though, please. You would be deprived of knowing two remarkable men.

Love to one and all,

Barbara Jean