My thoughts on previous entry

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

Sadly, I have come to realize that I am the classic "abuse victim becomes the abuser".

There’s no need in my trying to deny it, because I would be lying, and I despise dishonesty, especially in myself.

The home I grew up in was mostly a happy home, really.  We had a very unhealthy family setup, though.  We had our father (who art in heaven, I hope), who was a domineering, phsyically and mentally aggressive person.  We had our mother, who is every bit as domineering, but in a quieter way.  She reinforced our father’s manner by doing nothing to relieve our situation.  We had the domineering, aggressive, older sister.  MH was always my protector against the rest of the world, but she seem(ed)s to think that gives her a special right to hurt me if SHE pleases.  We had the unstable, volatile, domineering middle child…me.  I was always a manipulative, selfish person who got what I wanted however I could because it was so often denied when I directly sought it.  We had the youngest, volatile, not-as-domineering, and most-well-balanced child, my baby brother, Johnny.

One thing I never understood, which really hurt me deeply, was why, when my father was being mean and sometimes physically abusive, my mother would "let" it happen.  I suppose she could not have stopped any particular incident, but why did she not remove me from the situation?  I was, once upon a time, a small, innocent child.  I quickly outgrew the innocence.  From my perspective, since Daddy could be as mean as he wanted, I would retaliate in the only ways I could figure to do so.  When he called me to get his dentures out of the bleach-water that he kept them in to soak, I would not rinse them, sometimes.  If I was angry with him, it delighted me to see him choke on the bleach.  When he said something about it, I would be silent, take them back into the bathroom, laugh within myself, rinse the dentures, and take them back to him.

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My Mikey just woke up, so I’ll continue this another time.

Love,

Jack