My lifelines

My children are my lifelines.  Tiffany Jolie and Elisabeth Caitlin.  How I wish I could adopt them, even though they are grown and married now. 

I was reading an entry again that I previously reacted very badly to.  It is about a young lady who was having trouble with her sister and sister’s boyfriend.  Her father wrote her a letter, which she posted in her diary.  It got me to thinking about a lot of things.  What else is new?

Tiffany Jolie – Your very name means "pretty", and that you certainly are, both inside and out.  I hate not talking to you every day.  As your Dad, I feel it’s my place to talk to you as often as possible, but as your substitute Mom, I just can’t do it.  Not right now, baby girl.  With all the issues surrounding your children and the possibilities of the future being so uncertain, I feel so shaky…so weak…so unpredictable, too.  I’m so afraid I will erupt and spew my hostility all over you, and that is not a chance I am willing to take.  I feel two things, which conflict each other so badly.  First, as your parent, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you always did the best you could with your own children.  I want to.  I really really want to.  Can I?  Well, I have said it before, in this very diary.  There were things I did not know, then.  Now I know more, and I almost wish I didn’t.  The second part of me is very disappointed, hurt, and angry with you.  This is the part I try NEVER to let you see.  You are my sensitive, fragile, loving daughter, and I cannot bring myself to tell you how angry I am that I may never see three of my five grandchildren again.  You know, if you’ve read me, at least, that they call me "The Red Hot Mama".  Well, in this case, I really AM red hot.  I’m also a grandparent who had his children ripped away from him before he even got to meet them face to face.  Thank God for the telephone!  I don’t want to blame you.  I don’t blame you to your face, and I feel like a hypocrite for blaming you behind your back, but my God, I love you so much.  The thought of what my feelings COULD do to you bears down on me like a ton of lead.  It poisons me and crushes me, but I’m willing to be crushed instead of you.  I can’t be the one who crushes you, because that would be the ultimate failure as your parent.  

There are family things taking place that you do not know about.  I don’t feel free to write them, even here, because I keep thinking "What if".  What if you find this entry somehow?  What if you read my thoughts that I write in here?  What if you get involved in the most important thing going in my life right now and unintentionally mess it up?  How I wish you hadn’t given me reason to think that way.  It kills me, baby girl.  

Above anything and everything, even if you’ve read every word I’ve written about you, heard every word I’ve ever SAID about you, I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world.  You and your sister are God’s greatest gifts to me, and I will be ETERNALLY grateful for you.  Please know that.  I will eventually work through my anger, sweetie.  I don’t know how to do it, but I WILL do it, because my daughter needs me to.  

Elisabeth Caitlin – What a wonderful work of art you are, my baby girl.  When I see you, which I can only do in photos these days,  I see a statuesque beauty, whose strength of character defines her, whose love is unending, and who is one of my heroes.  Your sister is another one of them.  You are married to a wonderful man, whom your mother and I like very much, and you have such a beautiful, wonderful child.  I long to hold him, kiss him, and tell him how much I love him.  With you, the anger is gone.  I have none left, and I am very grateful for that.  If only I could get to that point with your sister, now. 

After we basically ran you off from our lives and you cut us off for a year and a half, we finally reconnected with you, and I can’t begin to tell you how awesome it is to know you again.  I feel so close to you.  I cherish that.  Do you, baby girl?  It seems like you do.  I never ever want to lose you again.  I lost you when your mother came to Texas for me and  I lost you when you were 16.  I CANNOT lose you again.  I would not survive it, baby.  

I need you so much, always, my darling daughter.  As far as I’m concerned, you set the sun, moon, and stars into place.  What you’ve given me is priceless, and I could never repay it, though I will always try.  

I want you to know how important you are to me.  I want you to know that I cherish you and love you more than anything.  It sounds strange to say I love you AND your sister more than anything in the world, but that’s the way it is when you have more than one child.  You feel it equally.  Different, maybe, from each other, but equal, nonetheless.  I love each of you so much I could never explain it.  Thank you so much for letting me back in.

Love always,

Dad (that’s what you know me as)