Mikey

The first thoughts in the morning are always for you, my love. As I reflect on our reading time last night, I feel like giggling. You are so charming and witty so much of the time, baby. I was reminded of a quote about Bette Davis, “She criticized the dialogue EVEN AS SHE SPOKE IT!!!”. I loved having my baby read to me.

Mikey, you are the greatest gift in my life. Since 1993, when I moved out of Mama’s house, I had felt totally alone in many ways. Thanks to you, baby, I am not alone anymore. You are not alone, either, my sweet love. I long to hold to you every single day for the rest of my life.

As I told you last night, baby, when I think back on all you said when we reconnected, I feel no anger. I feel remorse, because I always do and probably always will wish I had taken action much much sooner….told you how I felt about you long ago. I wanted you as my partner from day one, baby. When I found out about Chrissy and you, my heart broke into a million pieces. I wish I had told you how I felt/feel when you ran from Chrissy. Maybe you could have come home a long time ago and been happy instead of living through more of what you lived through.

I understand why you went back to Jeff. Naturally, I will regret that that happened forever, it seems, but I do understand. I clearly remember all the talks we had about him where I threatened him and you built him up as this big, tough guy that I should be afraid of. Well, you know what? Maybe I SHOULD have been afraid, but because I knew he was hurting you, I never was afraid. Not that I like to fight, but I am fiercely protective of those I love, and I loved you already then, baby. Was it Mikey who built Jeff into this big-bad tough-guy? My Mikey Baby? Sweet, loving, yes innocent, devoted, and – please forgive me – desperate Mikey?

The anger has faded to a great extent, but sometimes, I still feel a powerful surge of indignation, thinking of the things Jeff made you go through. HOW DARE HE?!!!!

“You’re gonna love dying….”

I am crying very bitter tears right now. I don’t understand why anyone would NOT want you forever, Mikey. I want you. I need you. I have to have you forever – with me, baby. I am yours so totally. I will do ANYTHING to please you, Mikey.

All that time, we were right under each others’ noses. Where were our minds?!!!

Mikey, your Hermy, that is I love you with every beat of my heart. You mean the world to me, and I will do anything you want to keep you happy. Anything – just ask, tell, even ORDER, and it’s done, baby. I trust you, and I know you will never ask anything that would hurt either of us. You deserve happiness. I volunteer the rest of my life to the “job” of keeping you happy, baby. If this is a job, I sure LOVE working at it! Hey! Petey can works wif Dady now! Keeping Mikey happy!!!! This is so cool!

I love you forever times pi cubed plus one,

Hermy