Maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason

So I have depressive episodes…so what!  I’m not the only one, so why treat me as if I am?   I am Bipolar, and I cannot WILL it away from me, or the shit would’ve been gone a long time ago.  In spite of the Bipolar, I try to maintain as positive an outlook on things as possible.  I rant here, on this diary, a lot, so you may not know that.  Couldn’t blame you if you didn’t!

I don’t feel bad about my depressive times anymore.  I feel I’m justified to have them, from time to time.  Want a list of reasons?  Okay, here goes.  These are not "pity me" things, just explanations as to why I get depressed.

• People constantly remind me of my faults, even though I am not shy in expressing that I am aware of the same faults without any help.
• I am married to a disabled, wheelchair-bound, in-poor-health wife.  While I do not hold this against her, it is very difficult to enjoy life, sometimes.
• We are long-distance grandparents to our two remaining grandsons, which brings about the next item….
• Through events that were not under our control AT ALL, we now have two grandchildren we can actually interact with, rather than the FIVE that it should be.  I am extremely grateful to have those two grandsons, but there’s a deep, dark hole in my heart for the loss of the other three.
• My wife and my sisters cannot stand each other, and they always have to point out negative things about each other, even if there is no situation that could even slightly justify it.  It’s like they can’t resist shoving the dagger deeper and deeper into each other, but what they don’t seem to realize is that they shove it into ME, too.
• Both our daughters live over 1400 miles away from us, and all of us are too broke to visit each other.
• Right this minute, I am depressed because we had to leave Fort Worth, thereby leave the opportunity to spend time with our beautiful grandson Nathaneal.  I feel so torn up, and I already miss him something terrible.
• Because of declining health for my wife and me, I am unable to re-enter the workforce, at the present time, which automatically lowers my self-esteem, anyway, but then I have to listen to people tell me I need to get a job AND bitch and gripe about those of us on government assistance….as if I LIKE having to HAVE that assistance?!
• We just found out that one of the two sisters we are buying our home from has been lying to us about paying the taxes up to current, which means that when we pay the house off, at the end of 2012, it still might be yanked out from under us, causing us to waste $30,000.  That does not make me happy.
• The other sister is angry right now and threatening to terminate our contract (which she cannot legally do) because of an error that I did not make.  She has not received her part of the house payment, even though I shipped it out on the 27th of December, in an effort to get it to her by the 1st….yeah, I forgot the post office would be closed for the first two days of the New Year, but still, it’s not my fault if the postal service lost the money order.
• I’m just flat TIRED of people reminding me of why everything about me and my life is unacceptable.  I try really hard to point out good things to people about themselves, but some of these same people seem to take some malevolent glee in pointing out every single bad thing they can think of…reasons why I SHOULD hate myself.  

Yeah, I would say I’m allowed to feel down, from time to time.  I’d like to see anyone who criticizes me live my life any better than I do.  They couldn’t handle it, but if, by some miracle, they did….well, there I would be, dishing out what they give to me.  Probably not really.  I’m grumpy and bitchy, but I’m too nice for anyone’s good, too.  Considerate, nice, respectful…whatever word.

But it’s "only Herman"…..k, well, as I’d tell my daughters or grandsons, "Being you is QUITE enough!  If anyone thinks otherwise, fuck ’em!"