Life as a mother

Life is often challenging and difficult, in the first place.  Let me tell you, though, that life as a mother can be more frustrating, challenging, difficult, passionate, heart-breaking, and just out-and-out "over the top".  There are highs like you wouldn’t believe, and there are lows that are ONLY buffered by the very children you are low over (well, and your spouse, of course, if you have one).

One of the greatest experiences for me, since the body was 10 years old, was taking care of a baby.  Obviously, as we aged, so did the children, so we learned a great deal about "second hand motherhood", if you will.  Everyone seemed to feel as if we were being burdened by being asked to take care of the babies/children.  Nonsense!  It was an honor and a privelege!!!  I have always felt a deep, powerful connection to children.  In my family, I have noticed that the connection often gets severed when the child is old enough to spout thoughts of his own.  I made a conscious decision that I would be supportive of my babies even when they were grown.  Of course, it isn’t always easy, but what in life ever is?

The oldest of my "babies" is soon to turn 23 years old.  Not to mention that I have a 24 year old daughter now, too.  She fits right in with the rest of my babies, though, because I started taking care of children when Tiffany was little.  Not Tiffany – much to my chagrin – but others about her age and slightly younger.

Tim was the first.  My cousin Gene’s son.  He will be 23 in October.  I can’t believe he’s that grown, you know?  I’m only 7 1/2 years older, but sometimes I feel like I’m 20 years older, at least, you know?  His brother Andy is the next one, and the second baby I ever felt THAT strong an attachment to.  The first would be my cousin Christopher, who was born the same year as Andy…1985, when I was 10.

Chris was the first newborn I ever held.  That knighted me into the parents’ realm!  LOL  I became a parent the day I first held my beautiful baby cousin Chris.  It’s almost as if my babies are my drug, you know?  I love them with such an intensity that it literally frightens some people.  They don’t know that I am a female inside this male body, first of all, so it scares them to see a BIG man so interested in small children.  I hate that, but I understand it.  As the parental figure, I know I get leery about men with my babies, too.  Not their fathers, usually, though them, too, upon occasion.

I’m not worried that Frankie, my brother-in-law, does anything dirty or nasty to Alex and Juli.  I am worried that he teaches them negative personality traits, but I NEVER suspect anything like sexual abuse.  Phsyical abuse – sometimes I wonder, but not sexual.  My sister is not the most patient person alive, either, but I must give her credit that she is FAR more patient and loving with her children than with anyone else alive!  I think she is overall a great mother, and I thank God for that.  I was petrified while she was pregnant with Alex.  Her first child was on the way, and all I could go by was how she’s handled ME as a child, which was extremely roughly and not very nice.  I didn’t know what kind of mother she’d make, and we had TONS of fights about it.  When Alex was born, though, that all changed.  I knew instinctively, by watching and observing, that she would be different with her own children, and she has proved me exactly right.

Motherhood does that to people, usually.

I always feared that I would be a horrible mother, too.  Well, before now, I had to say "father", but those days is over, as Jack likes to say.  I am a MOTHER, not a father.  I wondered if I would be abusive, first of all, as I have been with Malcolm.  I wondered if I would pass on this "Thou must hate thyself" attitude that was passed on to me by my father.  I wondered a LOT of things.  Sometimes, I still do, but I have come up with a philosophy, of sorts.

Just do the best you can, and always be REAL with your children.  You’ll make mistakes….oh yes, you certainly will….but they won’t end either of your lives.  Keep your heart heavily involved, but don’t always overrule the mind.  Most of all, though, if your children need something for their own happiness, and it makes you unhappy, too damned bad for you.  CHILDREN COME FIRST!!!!!!  This is why I don’t desperately scramble a way to California to kidnap Elisabeth and drag her home.  She feels happy out there.  Period.

I am tired of typing, so I’ll wrap this up for now.

Hank, kisses and tons of love,

Elf