Lesson being learned

 I have a half-full bottle of 30mg morphine sulfate in my possession now. Fuck sitting back and letting my wife deal with her own meds. I’m gonna FIND a way to win this battle. She almost blew her kidneys out again. She’s in the hospital, due to another fall at home. Winds up she was pretty badly dehydrated, too. I told her that from now on, we’ll have regular coffee only in the morning, then decaf if she wants more later. We drink WAY too much coffee, and it doesn’t help with the dehydration. I think I’ll sneak in ALL decaf and just not tell her.

The day before yesterday is when this bout became noticeable. We went to have breakfast with my brother and his wife and kids, so Laurie could get to know Allie, our newest niece. That didn’t happen. She got to SEE her, but not get to know her, because we had trouble getting her power chair through my aunt’s door, so Laurie tried to use the walker and get through the door. No go. She fell and we couldn’t get her up. Had to call the fire department. I had also not realized how incoherent she was until then. My brother noticed. Boy, did he EVER!

It was the first time he’s dealt with her personally when she was doped out of her gourd. The longer we waited for the fire department, the madder Johnny got at Laurie. He told me if she’s like this next time he comes to town, don’t bother bringing her with me to visit, because he doesn’t want his kids around that. Ten years ago, I would have been furious. Now I get it and will comply.

Long story short, Johnny made me leave once we loaded Laurie back into the van, which threw my back out for the next two days. He was worried the heat would affect her. On the drive home, I screamed at her that she was a LUCKY selfish bitch, because Johnny was mad enough to kill her but still was thinking of her best interests. How many people are that lucky?! I, on the other hand, was ready to kill us both, literally. I told her I felt like smashing the van into the (empty) elementary school we passed. Obviously, I didn’t do it.

I also screamed and became totally hysterical, asking her wasn’t it enough I’d had three grandchildren ripped away, two children and a grandson so far away…do I have to lose ALL my family?!!!!! I yelled that she’d fucked up Sea World for Alex and Juli and all us adults a few years ago (on morphine that time, too), and now she’d fucked up her first visit with Allie. 

Then early yesterday morning, she screams and wakes me up, saying she’s going to fall off her bed. I said no way in hell would she fall, ran over to catch her, and we both slumped down to the ground. Shit!

Then she was pretty much next-to-comatose the whole first day in the hospital (yesterday). Today, I spent time volleying back and forth between profound sympathy for her being in pain and getting no relief…and sheer hostility and GLEE that she was suffering. I was happy that she was physically suffering to match how much she was hurting my heart, my trust, my love. And yet I still love her more than anything. Amazing. Just takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

My heart is a goddamned Timex.

But anyway…..I don’t know WHY I still care. If I needed proof in a never-ending love, then  I am certainly getting it. I always thought, "Oh, I could NEVER live with a dope-head!" Well, she is not on cocaine or meth or even marijuana, but she IS a dope-head. 

Thank GOD ALMIGHTY the doctor who always seems to wind up taking care of Laurie decided enough was enough and called Dr. Porter, our regular doctor, to report her problem. FINALLY! DAMNIT, FINALLY some backup!!!!!!

I also told Mama today that I never in a million years would have thought, before I got married, that if someone attempted to murder my wife (I thought "spouse" but said "wife" for Mama’s sake) it would BE my wife who was doing it. 

So I love her, I hate her, and still love her some more. Lucky witch. And, despite all this bullshit, I’m a lucky bastard to have her TO love.