Leaning on God

At this point, I really have to let go and let God.  If I don’t…if all of us in this body don’t…we will not survive.  We have an appointment scheduled with Adapt, the mental-health service here in town, for sometime this week.  Perhaps then, we can get the help we need.  The mood swings, constant switching from person to person, and insecurities probably caused by chemical imbalances – they’re slowly killing us all.  I mean us in this body.  There are ten of us.

We are at Amie’s apartment right now.  It is almost 1pm on Monday.  Lunch went well, surprisingly.  Nanny did not kill us, obviously.  I’m still surprised!

When Amie brings her daughter back home (after school), we will vacate the premises.  That will entail packing everything back into the car, taking it home, unpacking it, and staying in the house again.  That’s ok.  I mean that.  It is okay.  We will be fine, because the temperature is nowhere near as low as it has been. 

The next obvious step is to clean up, change clothes, and turn in the applications for substitute teaching and private sitting.  My mind is calm enough at the moment to tell me that.  It would mean employment, even though that’s not the surest employment, but I have been able to sub before with no real problem, and there IS a shortage of subs here.

Barbara seems to be sleeping more – or at least not as present as she usually is.  She’s not always so tangibly present, but moreso than now.  I miss her calming influence.  I don’t know, honestly, how I am holding myself together right now, even for the short duration of typing this entry.  Life has been a confusing, uprooting mass lately.  I would never relive this part of my life, even if I were to be given a chance someday.

We will carry on.  We will survive.  This time, the "we" includes Mikey and those in that body, as well.  Tiffany is making it, so I hope and pray.  If she can do it, then we can do it.  We are her parents, after all.  And that’s not to put her down.  Certainly not!  I feel that we have one of the strongest, most durable, and pleasingly capable daughters on Earth in Tiffany.  She is my inspiration. 

Lord, thank you for what we DO have.  It is time to count the blessings.

Much love to all,

Betty Louise