Last night and this morning’s wishes

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

 

I just woke up.  Mikey’s still asleep, and I hope I can be awake for a while before he wakes up.  My stomach is always REALLY sensitive first thing in the morning, and when he wakes up, he has coughing fits that  somehow make me very nervous and make my stomach hurt more.

Ok.  Last night.

It was not pretty.

Last night, I found out that my sister is letting the house in Waco go.  She’s going to tell Buttross to shove it, basically.  I’m not happy with what this will do to her credit and how it may affect her and the kids.  I attempted to talk it out with Mikey and discuss the possibility of helping MH out.  That didn’t go well at all.  In fact, it started a fight.

Mikey wanted to know why I wanted us to suffer more to save MH’s skin.  Well, that wasn’t exactly what I wanted.  It’s not the way I saw it in my mind, really.  I see it like this : I signed the papers on that house in May of 2004.  When I had troubles with the SSI people, we switched the house to MH’s name, so I could still receive my check.  Then, at the end of 2005, the way I see it, I shirked my responsibility and left it all on my sister’s shoulders by moving and telling her that we wouldn’t pay for the house anymore.

That’s how I see it.  I’m the villain, because I didn’t live up to my responsibility.  We told MH that we wanted to let the house go back, but she said she didn’t.  Stubborn-ass!  Well, now Buttross has started playing games with her (cashing two checks at once) and she wants out.  I suggested the idea of moving back to Waco to My Mikey.  He didn’t want to talk about it.  No, he wanted to yell about it and get offended by it.  And that is what we did, some.

He pointed out something I hadn’t thought about.  We wouldn’t be able to get our utilities turned back on in Waco.  Old bills and such.

After the initial blowup, I went to check my e-mail.  That triggered another fight, actually.  Not because of the mail that was there.  Because of the NAME of my e-mail account.  It is nthaniel, which is a conglomeration of our family’s names.  It includes us, our kids, and our grandkids.  While signing in, I got upset, because I had INTENDED for that to be OUR e-mail, not just mine.  No such luck.

I decided to bite the bullet and tell Mikey exactly what I thought was going on.  I told him that I think he’s ashamed of the kids, and that’s why he won’t mention them to people.  His friend Nikki, who actually calls him and talks to both of us, has no idea that we HAVE children and grandchildren.  This offends me greatly.  My Mikey and I had a serious argument about it.  He told me that the reason he doesn’t mention the kids online is that it’s "none of anyone’s goddamned business".  I said, "But you mention my mother, my sister, and me!!!!!  What’s the difference?"

He made all kinds of arguments for his reasoning, but none of them really made sense to me, because there was always the fact that he’ll talk about anyone BUT the kids and the kidlets.  To my way of BEING, it is only natural to talk about my family.  It’s just what parents DO.

He told me, about VampireRave, that he uses that as his toy, because I have my music and the computer stuff I do.  He said he couldn’t do all that.  At that point, I said something that was really nasty, I’ll admit, but it’s true, as I see it.  I told him he plays with people like they’re toys, but they’re not toys.

I didn’t like myself at all for telling him that.  Also, though, I figured that if I didn’t say it, no one would.  I love My Mikey more than anyone in this world, and I can’t sit by and do nothing when I see a problem.

My mother always said she takes a hammer and chisel and chips away at problems until they’re gone.  That doesn’t work for me.  To use the same image….every time I make a sizable dent, some bastard comes along and patches it before I can break through.  So I do the only thing I know works, for me.  I use a fucking wrecking ball and bash the problem to bits.&

nbsp; It’s ugly, it’s hurtful, and it makes me hate myself even more.  It’s also necessary sometimes.

I hurt My Mikey Baby really badly last night, because I also pointed out to him that if I feel like he’s ashamed of the kids, perhaps that’s the root of the problem with Elisabeth.  If Dad thinks it, what’s to say Daughter doesn’t?!!!!

I am ashamed of myself for not figuring a better way to handle things.  I feel it in my heart that I did the right thing, but I could have done it by a better method.

Sometimes we are stubborn as hell, both of us.

I hope My Mikey forgives me.  I love him so very much, and I only do these things because his behaviors seem so self-destructive a lot of times.  Not only that, but I feel like he’s playing with people’s feelings, too, which will hurt more than only him, and that’s not right.

If Nikki decided to come visit tomorrow, for any reason, she wouldn’t be able to do it.  Why?  Because she knows Mikey as part of a gay male couple, which is true, really.  There’s just some stuff left out that could make a HUGE difference.  And when I mentioned our kids the other night, while Nikki was talking to Mikey, I felt as if I’d said something wrong.  Then, I got angry.  Why SHOULDN’T I be able to mention OUR CHILDREN?!!!!!

I think I know what it really is, though.  I was born male, and I would’ve given anything to have given birth to my own children.  Mikey, on the other hand, was NOT born male, and I think the fact that he DID give birth to our children is a constant reminder that he’s not physically what he wants to be.  But there’s a way around that, too.  Nobody has to know that he’s the "Mommy", necessarily.  What’s wrong with presenting himself as the father?  After all, that’s really what he is.  I’m their male mother.  Mikey’s their almost-male father.

Life is so damned confusing.  We’ll get this sorted out, eventually.  I won’t let it rest until we do.

Don’t worry.  I dislike myself enormously right now, so all is well.

Love,

Jack