Josh – the first between Matt and My Mikey

Proving it, bit by bit……

Until 1998, I still dwelled upon Matt, the one in a previous entry, which I let Barbara write.  1998 was a marvelous year, in terms of being in love.  It taught me a lot of lessons.

When I think of Josh, I don’t get sad.  I didn’t ruin anything or anyone this time.  We are still friends to this day.  That is how it should have stayed from the first.  Oh well, hindsight is 20/20, you know?

I first met Josh because of a girl named Sherry who lived with me briefly.  She worked at the Burger King in my hometown.  So did Josh.  They had hooked up, and that’s how I met Josh.

I knew, from the start, that Josh wasn’t gay.  I do believe he is bi, but not gay.  Either way, we’re both married now and happy with our lives.

I can’t remember exactly how it came to be that Josh and I started hanging out together.  What I DO remember is that we quickly became close friends.  He would come over to my house after work.  We would talk, watch movies, listen to my music, talk, eat, smoke (cigarettes), go for drives, just spend time together.

I quickly fell in love with him, obviously.  He made me feel so special and so needed.  I, in turn, worshipped the ground he walked on.  For nine months, I tried to convince him that I was worthy of changing his life for.  I may have come close to succeeding, but I’ll never know unless he chooses to tell me.  I won’t press for that information, though.

When we had our "split", which wasn’t exactly the right word for it, it ended rather bitterly, at first.  He started dating a female friend of mine from college.  I had introduced them.  Oh, was I EVER hostile about that.  I wrote songs, rewrote already-existing songs; hateful, vindictive lyrics.  Meanwhile, my female friend would update me on how life with Josh was going.  She said she felt like SuperBitch for doing it, but I see now that they both trusted me and loved me.  They knew that I did the same for them, so they felt comfortable talking to me.  I was not happy with that for a bit.  Within about a month, I came around.

I realized that it was a compliment that they both talked to me about each other.  Yes, I felt betrayed.  Yes, I was bitter that he so readily told her he loved her, when I had tried so hard to show him he could love me.  Well, he DID love me.  He still does.  Just never was IN love with me.  Therein lies the rub, as My Mikey says now.

Josh and Krista broke up after a few months.  Imagine my surprise when Josh comes to my house and pours his heart out about the split.  He told me all the same exact things I had felt when WE had split.  He felt just as I had when HE left ME.  I was taken aback really bigtime, until…..you knew there’d be some excuse, eh?

He told me about a conversation he’d had at work.  He said someone at work asked him what he had planned for the night.  They wanted him to go somewhere with him, but he refused it.  He told them he had to go talk to his best friend.  And then he came to see his best friend…me.

So I never could hate the man, of course!

Josh is a dear friend, and I still love him, because once I love someone, it never EVER goes away.  It may change, it may diminish some, but it never goes away.  My love for him changed.  It is that of a lifelong friend.

And I’m happy with that.

My Mikey, I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,

Your Jack