I’ve got to learn to live

I’ve got to learn to live, because right now, my primary urge is to die. And I want to die very much. But I think I just had the beginning of an epiphany. In the Bible, Job lost EVERYTHING, including his family….only THEY died, unlike mine…and he stayed faithful to God. I am still faithful to God, but I am beginning to realize that if I kill myself, that will be a great big slap in the face to God. That would be doing one of His jobs for him, and He doesn’t need the help, thank you!

My sister is angry with me. I am angry with her. My mother is playing some kind of mind games with me AND stating, in a very passive-aggressive way that it is okay if my wife and I starve to death. My brother is the smart one. Staying out of it and keeping quiet.

I’m too fucking tired to write this entry now. I will attempt to explain in more detail later.

Hang in there. Take it one day at a time, sometimes even one minute at a time. Life is hard and you’re entry really touched me because I too am struggling with the desire to live, but you’re right…God doesn’t need the help. I’m glad that you’re alive because you’re entry touched me deeply today, thank you for sharing your feelings. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace.

August 26, 2010

To the unnamed noter….thank you for your note. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, as I think most people do, and your note really touched ME. So we helped each other. Chalk up a victory to each of us today! Love and hugs!!!!

Strange, I woke up this morning thinking of a time in ’89 when I already felt like a complete failure, and then an unbalanced tenant raked me over the coals as if to “prove” it. It was the last straw, and I really meant to kill myself as soon as I finished my crying fit. But I was so tired by then I couldn’t drag myself from my bed. I wish I had a helpful suggestion for you. I can only

say that I know how it feels to get to that place. The darkness shuts out everything, and it seems like you are there to stay. I would never have believed that years later, I would wake up every morning thanking God I was alive and hadn’t given in then. Thanks to you and your first noter for reminding me.