I’ve been thinking….

My Mikey, I love you

 

∞ • π³ + 1

 

 

 

 

Usually, those are relatively dangerous words coming out of my mouth.  Here’s hoping that this time is not the usual.

In our friend David’s diary, he was kind enough not to mention that I was the one who did the search which brought up Rob’s name with John’s last name.  I appreciate that, David.  It was sweet of you not to name names.  I take responsibility for it, though, because I shared it with him.

I did not know that it would bring on such hurt for John, though maybe I should have figured it would.  I thought he might think it was funny, or perhaps sweet, or maybe even just a nice little coincidence.  Well, that’s not what happened.

My big mouth got to rolling, and I wound up making John cry.  With John, I think this was the first time I’ve done that.  It is not, however, the first time I have ever done it.  Far from it, as a matter of fact.

My attitude on painful subjects has always been rather tough, I suppose.  I figure that for myself, I must face the pain head-on, feel it, deal with it, and go on with my life.  That may work for me, but it is not right that I force it upon other people.  Once the ball got rolling last night, and I knew John was getting sad, the proper course of action would have been to shut my mouth and change the topic in a graceful way.  Did I do that?  NO.

I kept talking to him about Rob, thinking (if only in the back of my mind) that the sadness MUST be confronted or it will surely NEVER go away.  What I forgot was that it was not MY sadness, and it was not MY life.  They were not my tears.  It is not my loss.  I am not a therapist, as much as I may like to be.

John, please forgive me for my thoughtlessness.  I am afraid to talk with you, for now, because I do not want to make the same or a similar mistake.  I am not, in any way, cutting you out of my life, so please do not misunderstand me.  I’m leaving it up to you to talk to me only if you want to.

Last night made it all hit home WHY I have a problem with public places.  Because I never know when to stop…and I hurt people.  This time, it was a friend of mine who means quite a lot to me.  I wish I could undo what I’ve done sometimes.  I know it’s over with, but that doesn’t mean I can yet move on from it.

There is so much love inside me right now, and I want to cry for the stupidity of my own actions.  Instead, I will write down some things to discuss with Dalia tomorrow, in my counseling session.

This has to stop.

For all reading this….I love you, and I am glad you are part of my life.  Thank you for your wonderful notes.  They mean a great deal to me.

For now, over and out,

Betty Louise, the Ice Queen