It has already begun to heal

Today, we buried Memaw.  It was sad, for the first half of the day, but the funeral service was wonderful, and my mother’s two brothers really touched us all with their tributes to their Mama.  It changed something inside me, too.  

It began with a group of us singing, while my cousin Michael played the organ.  He made that organ rock, too!  I didn’t know that was possible!!!!  We sang "Victory in Jesus", which was one of Memaw’s favorite songs.  Then Uncle Clyde, the preacher in the family, talked and prayed just a little.  Then we sang "What A Friend We Have In Jesus".  We moved on to "In The Garden". 

Uncle Roy did this amazing thing….we thought he was insane for a few minutes, because he said, "Huh, I left my phone on vibrate, and here we go with a call!"  My mother got upset and was signaling to him to ignore it, I was told.  Since the singing group couldn’t SEE him, we didn’t know what was really going on.  He "answered" his phone, and he said, "Mama?  Hi Mama!  Oh, you’re up in Heaven?  Edward Gene is there with you.  [Edward was Memaw’s first-born child, who died at age 4 months.]  Uh huh.  Ray’s there, too? [Ray was Memaw’s last-born child, who died at age 29 years.]  Mama, are you happy?  You are?  I’m glad, Mama.  Say hi to Ray and  Don and Hermann [my Daddy] and all the family and friends up there with you for all of us!  What’s that?  You’ve gotta go now?  Okay, Mama.  I’ll see you later.  No, it’s okay, Mama.  I’ve got to let you go now.  I love you!  Goodbye!"

We were ALL in tears, by this point, so Uncle Clyde stuck his head out the door of the little room where we were singing and said, "We can’t sing just yet because we’re all crying!"  It was true.  We were passing Kleenex around like we’d bought stock in the company!  

Then my Uncle Roy was featured on "I’ve Never Been This Homesick Before", while we sang with him.  

My cousin Michael and I were also pall-bearers, so there was an awkward moment or two while we tried to figure out how to get to our seats with the rest of the pall-bearers, which included my brother Johnny and our cousins Lance, Neal, and Donny.  Once seated, the service wound up pretty quickly.  

Just when they began leading people up to the front to see Memaw one last time, Neal annoyed me by jumping up, going to the pulpit and saying he had some things he wanted to say, too.  Why he chose that moment was beyond me, because there WAS a chance for him to have done it sooner.  Anyway, he gave a semi-touching speech about Memaw and him, and he told all of us how much he loved us, which made me UNannoyed.  

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to let go of the rail on the casket.  With Nanny, I almost panicked when it came time to let go.  I almost couldn’t do it.  This time, it was different.  I had given Memaw one last kiss on her forehead just a few minutes before, and it felt like everything was somehow better.  I can’t explain it, really.

We got to the graveyard, and Uncle Clyde gave a short service there.  Because it was so hot, he closed it earlier than he would have wanted to.  He joked that it was too cold the day we buried my Daddy, and it was too hot the day we buried his Mama.  It wasn’t inappropriate.  I was very glad he mentioned Daddy…and so did Roy.  It was very generous on their part, especially since MY Mama had left him out of the obituary and made no mention whatsoever of Daddy, which really hurt my feelings and PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!!

I confronted Mama about it last night, and she said, "I couldn’t figure out how to fit him in there."  That’s not good enough!  I said, "Mama, he was your previous husband who died in 1989.  He DIED, Mama, it’s not like you divorced him!!!!!"  It seemed she was so worried about pissing off Wayne, my stepdad for the last twenty years, that she entirely excluded the father of her children.  I am not exactly angry anymore, but I do feel like it was an insult and a huge slap in the face for us and for Daddy.  When Clyde talked to me about it, he said, "Don’t worry.  I’ve got to edit the obituary that Roy’s gonna read, and I’ll put Hermann in it."  That almost had me in tears again.  And he DID put Daddy in.  I’m so thankful for that.

Nevertheless, I wanted some Mama-time.  And I got it.  My brother and his wife and son, my sister and her husband and children, and I gathered out at Aunt Glenda’s house with Mama for a few hours afterwards.  It was nice being with them, even though my brother was being kinda punkish.  I just chose to attribute it to grief or whatever he felt at the moment.

I took Mama home from Glenda’s house.  Anyone who has read me long enough knows that this is a small miracle!  I got to go to my Mama’s house, even if I didn’t go inside.  

I’m having some serious thoughts about where Mama’s final resting place will wind up being.  For years, we’ve discussed where it would be, and we all agreed it would be next to Daddy, with Wayne buried somewhere very nearby.  That was fine with all of us.  Now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s a bad idea.  I don’t know if I WANT her next to Daddy anymore.  If she loves Wayne so fucking much as to ERASE MY FATHER’S EXISTENCE, then she doesn’t DESERVE to be buried next to him.  Let her rest with Wayne.  I wonder sometimes if she’s TRYING to distance me from her.  If so, unfortunately, she’s succeeding.  It’s one thing to hurt me on a personal, one-on-one basis.  It’s another to insult my parent.  And when it’s my other parent doing it, it’s really inexcusable.  Naturally, I’m TRYING to excuse it, so I won’t be angry with my mother.  Goddamnit, sometimes I hate being a person who loves his parents so much.

If Wayne were to die, I know I would be there for Mama.  I just know it.  I might not WANT to be, at first, but she’s my mom.  How could I let her go through being widowed AGAIN without being there for her?!!!!

I’m very confused about my mother and her actions, these days.  

About Memaw, though, my heart has already begun to heal.  I believe she is in Heaven, and I had to realize today that if it were possible to bring her back from there, I could never and would never do that.  No.  I love her so so so much, but it’s not about me.  It’s about Memaw, and I want her to be as happy as she made us!

God bless you, Mary Florence Franks!  I know you’ll be waiting for a dance in your kitchen if I’m lucky enough to make it to Heaven, too!

I love you,

 

Bug