Insecure, party of one

I don’t think I know how to deal with the insecurity level of having an at-home teenager. I didn’t think it’d be this way, once she got here, but it is.

Elisabeth is, rightfully, I suppose, worried that we won’t be able to support her. What I feel, though, is that we’re AGAIN being judged because we don’t work. It’s not as if we don’t work by choice. If I could handle public places, I’d be in the workforce. If My Mikey could walk without falling over, he’d be in it, too. Elisabeth doesn’t seem to understand the complexities of adult life, but I guess there’s no way she could, since she’s not an adult.

She mentioned that I go to bed with dirty feet and make the sheets on my bed dirty….so I should have to wash my feet off before I go to bed every night. That makes sense, though sometimes, she can’t know how unbelievably tired I am. Mikey mentioned to her that we don’t have carpeting, and that I like to walk barefoot. Her response was that she’d have carpetting when she had her own place.

Easy logic, but who’s going to PAY for the installation of carpetting, if the house doesn’t come with it? Even with a job, most people struggle to pay rent and bills. That’s something I guess she’ll just have to learn when she LIVES it.

I’m enjoying getting to know my daughter. Yes, I’m intimidated as hell. Yes, I’m insecure, and she doesn’t exactly help with that. No, I don’t want her back in California. She belongs with us, no matter where we are. I’m her father, damnit, and I don’t take that job lightly!

She wants me to adopt her. I don’t know if she’s given that as much thought as she should have. Once I’m LEGALLY her parent, there will be some changes. I will no longer worry about stepping on anyone’s toes, so to speak. I won’t worry as much about how it WAS. It will change to how it IS. My daughter will be my responsibility, whether she likes it or not.

Damn me. I hope I never made Mama feel like I do now. I have a sneaky suspicion that I made Mama feel WORSE!

Love to all,

Jack