Inner turmoil

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

 

Last night, I read a few entries from the past aloud to Lola over the telephone.  One was from Betty, and it was pretty….intense, to say the least.  The one titled "Biological Junkyard".

Afterward, Lola asked me how Betty is doing.  I said something to the effect of that Betty is doing ok, or something.  Well, that’s a stretch.  She wanted to write this entry, but we were not sure that was a good idea.

The recent death of Gene’s daughter Cierra is weighing very heavily on us, particularly Betty and Piers.  I know…who’d’ve thought…Piers.  Anyway, everything seems to keep coming back to the fact that we buried a baby, for them.  No matter what else goes on, how happy or unhappy any given moment is, they just can’t get away from it, and Piers has been out a LOT lately, hurting and grieving for the family…but for Gene, Rikki, and Kasey, in particular.

Kasey is Gene’s 15-year-old.  We’ve known her since she was born, and she also reminds us a lot of our Elisabeth.  The other day, when we gathered at Rikki’s sister’s house, after the actual burial took place, Lance and Wendy showed up with their twin girls, who are about the same age as Cierra was.

Rikki took one of them, which actually worked out pretty well.  Kasey took the other girl, though, and it did NOT go smoothly.  Kasey burst into tears and sobs, while holding the baby.  I am not so surprised by this, since she played a VERY active part in taking care of Cierra.

So not only is Betty saddened by the death of one of our babies, but also by the effect that death is having on another of them.  Kasey is the sweetest girl, and her pain must be incredible….we long so very badly to reach out, hold her, and take away that pain.  And we know we can’t.  Even if we COULD take it away some, it would come back when we weren’t there anymore.  So we KNOW that one of our babies is suffering.  Betty wants me to stop talking about this, because she’s already crying inside.

I wish something really great would happen, to ease my internal sister’s maternal streak….make her happy and proud for some sustained time period.  As it is, she stays sad so much.  She doesn’t come out much, anymore, because she doesn’t want to bring anyone down, and because she thinks maybe she NEEDS to be alone to deal with it.  Alone as in no one on the outside trying to help.  We’ll never STOP trying to help her, ourselves.  She’s "the Mama"….how can we NOT help her?

Piers alternates between anger and such crushing grief that he finds it difficult even to talk.  I am sad, but I can function, as death, unfortunately, is an old old presence in my life.  Piers never has dealth with death well, and the fact that this was a small child…too small even to talk…really hurts and angers him.  He cries EVERY time he thinks about it, and things are triggering him all over the place.  Music, movies, words spoken by others….it just keeps going on and on.  He is unable to comprehend why this happened, particularly why it happened to Gene.  He feels like screaming to God, "Leave Gene alone!!!!!"

But who can tell God what to do?  Nobody, and we all know that.  His will, not ours, be done.  As I like to say…."Ours is not to question why.  Ours is just to live and die."

Please pray for the strength and courage to return to my two inner siblings.

Thank you for reading us.

Love,

<span style="font-family

: Monotype Corsiva;”>Jack