In my face

This whole day has been “in my face”, if you will. No matter who was out, Jacky or me….seems to have been OUR day today….today was not good. Nothing bad happened or anything like that. I’ve been, as Jacky would put it, the “stewing in self-recrimination shit”. He also says it’s for the birds.

How do I stop hating myself? How did I start?

I wish I could answer that question. Nobody seems to know exactly when or why I STARTED hating myself. They know why I continued, maybe, but they don’t know for sure….besides Daddy. They know it was because of him. My Daddy. The one who I can never see again. Daddy has been dead for a LONG time now, and I am not mad at him anymore. It isn’t easy acknowledging how he hurt me, you know? Why couldn’t I have been “Daddy’s boy”, as was my baby brother? He would always see me as a boy, no matter what I am inside. I am a near-middle-aged woman now. 38 gaining on what feels right now like 1000.

Do I even want to get old anymore? It used to be a pleasant thought. Now it isn’t. Now I see what age eventually can do, if we’re not lucky. I’ve been lucky, but luck can run out. Blessings can be blocked. I don’t want to ruin my own life anymore. What is wrong with me that I can’t seem to maintain happiness? It’s a state of being, I guess….why can’t I BE it? Or at least why can’t I STAY happy? Something is fundamentally wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s breaking my heart.

I feel like Elisabeth doesn’t love us. I feel like I’m useless where Tiffany is concerned, because I can’t be the mother I need to be. I can’t run up to her, grab her up in my arms, hug her, kiss her cheek, tell her I love her and that all is going to be okay because now Mama’s here. She calls me Dad, but that’s ok, too. Dad’s here. The monsters will go now, because Daddy will scare them away.

I fail.

Betty

lolamae

March 20, 2006

You are not a failure and like most people you have a hard time liking yourself because a parent or someone else did not seem to like you all that well. Your brother was the baby and Mary Helen was the only girl. You were the oldest son and I am sure your father was hard on you. You have been an excellent parent to both Tiffany and Elisabeth.

You may not be physically present but I am sure both girls are aware ( true Tiffany more than Elisabeth at times. Elisabeth is a teenager and alot of teenagers go through I am unloved by my folks phase.) that you are there for them and will do anything you can to help them. Sometimes just knowing that someone is in your corner makes a world of difference.

I know this is long but I hate to hear you or read about you downing yourself. Why are you talking about my friend like that? It makes me sad. Also you have been like a parent to me and a far better one than Sharon most of the time. Sharon has had the rare moment or two that she gets it right, but you beat her by alot in the parenting department.

Persona

March 21, 2006

I think you need to start focusing your anger into more constructive directions. When you are sad or angry you tend to blame yourself and hate yourself. A hobby of some sort may help to eliminate that. Try something like gardening. Everytime you get sad or angry, go out and garden. That way you can create something beautiful out of your sad/angry emotions.