If we have lost “Freedom”, did we gain “Captivity”

I don’t know how I forgot to mention that we no longer have "Freedom", our car.  A few weeks ago, it became apparent that we could not make the payment this month, so my cousin has possession of it again.  $1200 down the drain, but that doesn’t really bother me. 

What DOES bother me is that it seems as if it was a plan for that to happen, on my cousin’s part.  We paid every payment every other month, while one other cousin was buying a motorcycle from her and missed multiple payments AND STILL RETAINED THE MOTORCYCLE!  We were late a few times, but not by anything we could control.  The MINUTE I got paid for the paper route, I paid the car payment.  If my check didn’t come in on time, neither did the car payment get made on time.  

Still, I have to wonder why she was so willing to snatch it back out from under us.  She has always proclaimed me to be her favorite cousin, yet she’s so willing to tell me bad things about my parents and pull the rug out from under us on a car we’ve more than halfway paid for.  If that’s being her favorite, I wish she didn’t like me.

Laurie just got out of the hospital for kidney failure again.  Luckily, we caught it much sooner this time, so her stay was very short and very effective.  I walked out to visit her.  My favored Aunt Martha said my wife was lucky to have a devoted husband like me.  I wish I could believe that.  My stupid bipolar has been killing me, and Laurie has, unfortunately, been paying a heavy price because of it.  I DID miss her while she was not home, though.  I felt like half of me was gone, and it really WAS like that.  Thank God she’s back home now.

I’ve got to get this psychiatric shit under control.  It’s getting out of hand again, and I AM on meds right now!  What the fuck?!  It gets unmanageable either way!!!!

The other day, for some stupid reason, I told her that if we ever divorced, we may as well die, thus fulfilling our "til death do you part" vow.  I told her I would walk out the front door and be crushed by a falling plane wing, and in her rush to make sure I was okay – after all, hopefully we wouldn’t hate each other – she would trip and bonk her head on the wing.  But then I said, "No, that’s too painful!"  As if being crushed by a plane wing somehow wouldn’t be?! lol

I’m getting tired of being quite SO odd.  I feel like I’m not like anybody else on Earth.  While it’s nice to feel unique, in some ways, I don’t want to be so unique that I can’t fit in AT ALL!!!!!

*Sighs* I somehow thought that the older I got, the more I would understand things, but it seems to be just the opposite….or at least not progressing.  I still don’t know anything, except I’m learning, to some degree, what REALLY matters and what doesn’t.  I’m too damned old to play games with peoples’ minds, for example.  My best friend wants to act 16, and, frankly, I’m wanting to distance myself from her because of it.  We are twenty years older than that, parents of grown people…I’m a GRANDparent!!!!!  I can’t afford to act like a child anymore.  The fact that she seems to enjoy it really stresses me out, and I have reached a point where I have to focus on my health.  I’m too heavy, which puts a strain on my body enough by itself.  I have high blood pressure, and I’m afraid if I stay around her too much more, I’ll get so upset that I’ll have a heart attack or a stroke, and I am not being melodramatic.  I’m being serious.

On Facebook the other day, someone told an 18 year old cousin of mine named Robert to go kill himself.  I don’t know why it let me comment, but it did, so I commented, telling them no way on the kill yourself bit.  They asked who I was, so, in an attempt to be funny, I said I was a mean guardian angel.  They went OFF on me, calling me a "pedo", saying to lock up wives and kids, saying I had to be at least 50, so I probably couldn’t get it up enough to do any real damage, and saying I look like an ugly bald chick with a man’s name.  It really bummed me out, big time.  Thankfully, Robert thanked me for doing that, which made me cry. My kiddos are so good to me, mostly!  I was awfully attached to Robert when he was a baby and small child, and apparently, he remembers enough of that to appreciate me, which makes me very happy.  I didn’t mention to those other kids that I am Robert’s cousin, because I was afraid they would turn back to him and insult him more.  If they called me a pedophile, then it stands to reason they would have probably asked him if I molested him.  I didn’t want them to put him through all that, so I just took it myself.

Why is it acceptable to be mean to me?  I don’t understand.  What did I do to make people dislike me so much?

Herman Forstmann

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