I sure as hell don’t FEEL like a “children”

 

My Mikey, I love you

∞ • π³ + 1

Our chapter is called "The Children".  That’s what I mean by I sure don’t feel like a "children".
It’s not out of character for me to be mean.  What IS out of character is to treat someone we usually try to be gentle with in my usual, hardcore manner.

I didn’t say "fuck you", David.  I temporarily meant it, I suppose, though…nasty as that is.
I have a hard time believing that I actually said, "I DID FUCKING DEFEND HIM, YOU SHIT!"

That was not in the plan.  Jack was doing pretty well up till that point.

I think I know what happened, for real.  I don’t mean that Doll and I both took over.  I mean something a lot deeper than that.

Neither of us feels like we have the time with our spouses that we should be "due", by simple virtue of being married to them.  What would be one logical, unconscious way of bringing ourselves together….FORCING us to lean on our respective spouses?  Have a fight with a close friend?  Sounds logical, in a twisted sort of way.

God, I’ve been so desperate for some attention from Mikey or any of them in there.  I didn’t MEAN or WANT to start a fight.  At least not on the surface.  I really wonder if I DID mean to, somewhere underneath.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes with Mikey.  Too many to count, and far too many to name.  I push, I prod, I yell, I scream, I name-call, and I have even  ridiculed him.
All to make a point?
It seems incredible, but that’s why.  And to protect him.  Obviously not against me.  No, against himself.

Sometimes I swear that ninny is headed for a brick wall at top speed and never even sees it.  There are two basic problems with this, from my perspective…..
1)  Brick wall + Top speed = certain death
2) Certain death = lifetime of grieving for me

So I aim to protect….by destroying.
How fucked up is THAT?!!!!!!

And I destroy at random, obviously.  I leveled my gun at you tonight, David/Doll.  That wasn’t nice, and it wasn’t fair.  I apologize, and I sincerely hope you will accept my apology.

You don’t have to explain to me about Doll taking over.  Believe me, I, of all people, understand.  Maybe I should say "I, of all personalities", since that’s really what this is about.  I AM a person, but I share a body with quite some number of others, so….technically, I’m not a completely separate being.

The point…..

I know old hurt doesn’t always feel old.  Sometimes it is still pretty friggin’ new.  If anything was said that shouldn’t have been (I mean anything you said….I know I said some bad shit)….I’ll get over it.  I already have, really.
I’m a tough cracker.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s all good….if that’s the way you feel.

Thank you for understanding,

O