I don’t fit in anywhere

Now that the immediate emergency medical conditions are dealt with somewhat, I can get back to trying to figure things out. 

For a while now, I’ve been meaning to write an entry like this.  It has to do with my whole entire life, and I’ll attempt to explain.

My long-time readers know I am a gay man.  They (and you newer readers) also know I am married to a woman.  It is not a marriage of convenience, nor a so-called "lavender marriage".  It is a real marriage.  This presents two problems, at least.  Probably more than that.

For starters, I HAD identified as a gay man for all my life.  Still do, really.  I’m not straight, just because I married a woman.  I happened to fall in love with a woman and marry her.  That’s the extent of my straightness.  As one can imagine, this left me feeling a huge loss of identity.  I feel like I no longer fit in with "the gay scene"…..pish, as if I ever really did anyway!  But you know what I mean, don’t you?  Here’s an example :

Last year, slightly before my 34th birthday, we went to a drag show in Austin with my sister and a few friends.  The drag performers called out for birthday boys in the house.  I chose to hang back and NOT identify myself as a birthday boy.  Why?  Because I was at a gay club WITH MY WIFE!!!!!!!  Do you KNOW what a conflict of interests THAT was?!!!!!!  Of course, my wife is quite a gem, as most of you know.  She pretended to be a gay man online, which is how we met in the first place.  She pretended so well that, despite many things that should have tipped me off to the truth, I believed she was a "he" until she arrived in Texas in January 2005.  

Now I face a different problem.  The world, at large, views Laurie and me to be a straight, married couple.  Well, we’re married.  Technically, we do fit MOST of the criteria for being a straight couple, so….But there are differences.  My wife thinks and acts more like a man than any gay man I’ve ever known, for one.  It’s kinda funny.  I’m like a woman, in so many ways, and she’s so like a man.  We’re exactly backwards from what people would expect!  

I thank God my libido has toned down as I’ve gotten older.  I don’t think I could stand it if I were still the "young, dumb, and…" well, you know….type.  I’m not heterosexual.  The ONLY woman I’m at all physically interested in is my wife, and that was more of an acquired thing.  I AM still attracted to men, however.  This presents a smaller problem right now, because I feel so old and worn out, already.  But what if I lose weight, start feeling better, you know, getting healthier and happier with my body….then what?  Will my libido increase?  And what will I do if it does?!!!!

Hey, I’ve been totally faithful to my wife since December 9, 2003.  I like to think that that means I’ll make it forever.  I NEVER went that long without a man before that date.  The tops was two years celibate, and I almost lost my mind then.  

So where do I fit in?  I’m a gay husband, father, and grandfather.  I can’t tell my grandkids I’m gay or I might fuck up their heads somehow.  My kids know.  They’re old enough to handle the truth.  They also know that, in some strange way, their mother and I are an ideal match for each other.  It’s not my wife I have problems fitting in with.  It’s the rest of the world!

What am I?  I don’t know.  But I’ll figure it out, eventually.  I  hope.

Herman