Hostility

Sometimes, I’m disturbed by how much hostility there is pent up inside me. Now is one of those times.

I am still mourning the loss of my friends, but part of my coping process is to find ways to distract myself. Unfortunately, this is not such a pleasant way, but it still ocurred to me.

I was thinking about how it would be nicer if the whole world’s population were my children. I am less likely to be critical, harsh, or hateful with children. Malcolm is a very obvious exception to that rule, and I hate myself for that. I love that boy. I don’t know why we clash quite so damned hard.

My Aunt Shirley Jean crossed my mind. She is not what I’d call a good role model of motherhood. In fact, I don’t think I’d call any of my mother’s sisters a good role model, with possible exception of my Aunt Glenda. I don’t know how she is as a mother, but I love her to death as a person. Aunt Martha is a woman with a heart of gold, but I know what she was like as a mother. Not always very pleasant. I’ll talk about her another time. I admire Martha so much, and it breaks my heart that her life is so unfulfilling and bitter, because if anyone deserved a good life, it would be her.

Back to Shirley Jean. I call her by both names because I also have an aunt named Shirley Ann, my Uncle Clyde’s wife. Shirley Jean is one of my mom’s three older sisters. When her children were little….so I’ve been told, anyway – I wasn’t born till the trouble had begun, really….her children were perfect little darlings who could do no wrong and would have the world on a silver platter. Well, that is almost fine with me. Who doesn’t dote on their kids to some degree?! The problem was when they grew up and fell short of their mom’s expectations. All of a sudden her perfect little angels were demon spawn from hell itself. She didn’t raise them that way. Hmmm, where could they have learned all their flawed behaviors? Why not point the finger at little sister Suzi! That’s right….they blamed MY MOTHER for the mistakes they made raising their children. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my cousins Gene and Sherry. I don’t want to BE like them, but I love them nonetheless. What I fucking resent like hell is that Shirley never accepts responsibility for her own mistakes, which is what makes me wonder….how the hell did two sisters wind up being so damned different? Mama has always used the phrase, "Own your own problems". Ummmm, why didn’t your older sister learn that, too, Mama?

Anyway…..

One thing that will rile me up faster and hotter than anything is to pick on my Mama or my babies. You just don’t DO that!!!!! When it’s My Mikey or me, I fight, too, but if it’s Mama or the babies, I get REALLY fucking hateful about it. I will do everything but kill someone over my blood. I have a saying…"Don’t fuck with my blood". It means that you better fucking well leave my family alone, if you know what’s best for you. Nuff said.

Now that I have some of that out of my system, maybe today can be a better day than it’s been so far.

My Mikey, I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,

Your Jack