Hoping…..

Proving it, bit by bit……

Lord, I hope I’m proving it.

A year and a half ago, when I started this diary, my intentions were to write out frustrations, dreams, hopes, goals, and overall plans.  The idea is to improve as a human being.  Am I doing that?  I guess the only one who can ever truly answer that is I.

All I have to say is I hope I am improving.  I feel as if I’ve aged two decades in the past six months.  As one could imagine, my body is tired, my mind is tired, and I often wind up frustrated beyond my means of coping.

No matter what happens, one hope; one wish; remains in my heart above and beyond all other wishes and hopes.  I hope, no matter how I feel, it is always clear to those I love that I love them.

My Mikey, I know I often do not speak the same ways I did a year ago.  It doesn’t mean I don’t love you the same.  In fact, I love you more each day, my darling.  You are still the most special, important person in the world in my eyes.  I still long to hold you, cling to you, share with you.  I still have every desire I’ve always had for you.  Those never diminish.  They only grow.  I know I have not expressed them as freely in person, and for this, I am sorry, baby.

I miss feeling like the romantic hero (that I never really was, but it was fun for us to imagine it, wasn’t it?).  I miss the heart-to-hearts we used to have on a daily basis.  I can’t stand making plans that seem so LOGICAL or RATIONAL….nothing fun, nothing exciting, nothing romantic.

I promise you, we will have the times we dreamed about.  I wish I could say WHEN we will have them, but then I’d be reaching beyond my own power.  We’re both only mortals, after all.  Only God knows all, and I am certainly NOT God.

Thank you so much for bearing with me these past six and a half months, baby.  It can’t be what you imagined from 2000 miles away, I know.  We never knew life would hold quite so many challenges.  Likewise, though, we are proving, bit by bit, that we are winners.  We never quit.  No matter what is thrown our way, we prevail in the long run.  Maybe not at first.  Maybe not for a while.  As long as we make it through, that’s still a blessing more than some people ever have.

Thank you for loving me, even as I must have let you down in so many ways.

You are my heart, My Mikey.

I love you forever times PI cubed plus one,

Your Jack