Happy Birthday, Aimers!

It’s my friend Amie’s birthday!  Yay!  She’s reached 35 today.

Things have been a whirlwind of good, bad, and way-too-damned-ugly since I last wrote.  The ugly part was, admittedly, my fault.

I waged a war with Tiffany and Ed last weekend.  For some reason, Ed took objection to something I posted on Facebook, and he called and tried to make me feel stupid about it.  He managed to contradict himself while talking to me, and it really hurt my feelings and PISSED ME OFF!  After our phone call, I started thinking (dangerous past-time!!!!!), and I got angrier and angrier.  It didn’t help that I was totally unmedicated and in a manic phase, to boot.  

We had a series of nasty little confrontations, beginning with my writing to him and Tiffany and telling them exactly what I thought about things and about them.  I told them all the stuff I’ve already written about in here, which is really odd, considering I’d promised myself not to do that.  I didn’t WANT Tiffany to know how angry I can be with her about the loss of her children.  She knows now. *Sighs*

She had the audacity to say I didn’t get to know her children, so how could I grieve their loss……ummm, no, I never got to know them IN PERSON, but does she so easily forget the scads of phone time we spent together?  I am no different from tons of other grandparents who are separated from their grandchildren by miles of land.  And she totally overlooked it, PLUS she said I was not really her Dad, just some jackass married to her mother.  I knew she was speaking out of anger, though, so I surprisingly let that slide.

What I didn’t let slide is that she said she feared for Nathaneal, because I’m dangerous and her mother is violent, and we might hurt him.  No, ma’am.  I’m dangerous to adults, maybe…not physically, but emotionally.  I can admit to that.  There are two sets of rules, though, and I don’t CARE right now if it’s right or wrong.  I ALWAYS respect that my babies didn’t cause the situations I’m in.  The trouble is, Tiffany is usually lumped in with the kids, but this time, she was an adult who HURT the kids.  I finally managed to take her out of that special layer of protection and let her have it.  Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.  She says her trust in me has been badly damaged….what does she think the loss of her children did to us?  Make us trust her more?!

Anyway, we’ve called a truce.  I love Tiffany with all my heart, and I’m sorry I hurt her, but I AM glad the truth finally came out.  The truth of how I feel, anyway.  I’m tired of walking on egg shells for everyone else.  It is time for Hermy to have his say, so I did.

We’ll pull through.  That’s what family does.  For the record, Tiffany said she disowned me.  I am proud to say that I never said the same in reverse.  I didn’t say she wasn’t my daughter.  I said I needed a break from her and Ed for a while, which she interpreted as desertion, but that’s not my fault.  That’s her own bad.  Own your own problems, and that’s what I intend to do.

On the medicine front….Dr. Porter has kindly put me on a month’s worth of Depakote, which is a normal med for me.  I have an appointment with my much-disliked psychiatrist on March 13, which is why I asked Porter for his help….kinda like a toned-down intervention.  He gave it, though, and I’m thankful he did.

I don’t feel that I need an anti-depressant right now, as I’ve been struggling with mania, and I’m VERY med-sensitive.  Depakote has, in the past, kept me level by itself, which is why I didn’t ask for anything else.

Wish us luck!  We’ll be okay.  I know it!

Hermy

 

 

 

 

 

Herman Forstmann

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