Guilty conscience

Last night, I went through a period of  few hours where I realized I was angry with Nanny.  Not the cancer, not the fact that she’s slipping away, but with the woman herself….because she won’t give up and go.  Yes, you read that right.  I was mad at her for still fighting; still being alive.  

I feel like a low down piece of shit for having been that way, even though it only lasted an hour or two.  What kind of person am I to be angry that my grandmother won’t die?!!!!!!  I wondered if she was keeping up the fight just to make us feel bad.  I thought she might be doing this out of a purely selfish motive.  As if I am any better.

It is 5:05am, and I’ve been awake about 25 minutes.  When I woke up, I found that my abscess has spread to the lower lid of my left eye.  Thank God I took an antibiotic pill last night, or it might be worse!  But also, when I woke up, Nanny was sitting up in bed with her legs through the lowest rail on the bedside rail, trying to pull herself into a standing position.  It wouldn’t have worked, and she COULD have been seriously injured.  *sighs*

If I ever get to the point where she is, I hope I can accept defeat and go quietly, so that my family won’t have to suffer alongside me.  I wish she would do that, and, yes, I’m aware that that is a selfish thought, to some degree….but it’s also NOT selfish, too.  I’m watching my wife, my sister, and my nephew and niece slowly fall apart as Nanny keeps on and on and on fighting cancer.  My God, she can’t even weigh 100 pounds anymore!  How does she find the ENERGY to fight?!!!!!!

K, leave me hateful notes if you want.  I know I deserve it.

Jack