Fears for the future

We just finished watching "Roseanne" on tv.  It was an episode dedicated to Dan’s mother being released from a mental hospital.  She had it in her addled mind she had to kill Dan, and she almost succeeded a few times.

Then we noticed that Nanny was outside.

All this together has put me into a frame of mind that I don’t like.  I’m afraid for my future.  ALL my grandparents suffered from one form or another of psychosis, and I do, as well.  I’m paranoid, among other things.  Not just me, all of us within this body are psychotic, to some degree or another.

Mental illness runs in my family, on my mother’s side.  I don’t know much about Daddy’s side of the family, except Nanny, of course.  She’s got dementia, and it makes her really ugly on the inside. 

Papaw was just nuts.  There was never an official diagnosis for him, that I’m aware of.  Memaw was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic, even though it turned out to be the onset of Alzheimer’s that made her that way, but I am aware of a "nervous breakdown" in her past.  Nanny has dementia, which has turned her into an ugly creature, detached from reality so far that it’s ridiculous….and nobody will do anything about it!

Those are my biological grandparents.  I don’t know about Daddy’s father, as he never knew him, so I never did, either. 

For about the past three years, mostly Piers has been out.  Occasionally, one of us would come out for a brief stay, but mostly, he or Oscar would just push us out of the way and be nasty to Laurie…more particularly Mikey, Laurie’s main alter.

It scares me badly.  Am I going to try to kill my wife or kids someday?  What kind of role model will I be for my grandchildren if I crack up and that happens?  Would I ever harm my babies?  My grandbabies?  The love of my life?

Things that happen to Mama right now, at age 56, are starting to happen to my sister MH and me twenty years sooner.  Arthritis is the main thing, but not the only thing.  Some of it is kind of embarrassing, so I won’t discuss it all here.  The point is, if it happens to US sooner than it happened to Mama, then what’s to say it won’t happen to us sooner than it happened to our grandparents?  See my point?

I don’t have much else to say, I guess.  I just wanted to get all this out of my system….though I know it’s not gone for good.  This periodically strikes me, though never as hard as it has this morning.

Love to all,

Betty Louise