Everybody has to cry

Sometimes I hate myself for being as blunt and unfeeling as I can seem.  I’m not unfeeling, but I know I come across that way.

I wish I could conveniently get amnesia the way Mikey’s body can.  It’s not fair that I remember so many things, considering that most people have to be prodded to remember the same information I divulge to them.

Last night…..

Rena called.  That’s the lady who wants guardianship (and will very soon HAVE IT) of Elisabeth.  Well, after the talk, Mikey pulled one of his "I don’t wanna talk, cuz I don’t wanna hurt" things.  I shifted into high gear.

"We HAVE TO hurt.  Hurt, damn you!"

If we put it off, we’ll only wind up like Nanny.  Angry at the world, hating everyone….and everyone hating us.  I already have one like that within me.  I don’t want us to make that same mistake.

Yes, it fucking kills.  Yes, I want to scream and bash my head into a wall.  Yes, I feel like my child is being stolen from me.  But I have to feel that way.  If I don’t, I’m dishonest with myself.  I will not tolerate dishonesty with ourselves.  It just won’t work.

So I made Mikey hurt.  I didn’t hurt him, but I wouldn’t let him NOT hurt.

I don’t like me.

Am I damned?

I love you.  Please know, Mikey, how much I love you.  I love everyone in your body.

Elizabeth Louise