Escalating arguments

As our illnesses grow and consume us, we battle each other more and more.

I don’t know what is wrong with Mikey, and I’m so tempted to say I don’t even care anymore.  But I do care.  He’s constantly nauseous, among other symptoms.  And moody and touchy as fuck!  EVERYTHING I say, he either cries or yells at me….and I’m growing very weary of it.  

I’m sure he’s growing very weary of my bipolar ass, too.  I’ve been pretty consistently manic for about  the past week or so, and not the FUN kind of mania, mostly.  It’s been fun, in part, but it’s been the ugly, everyone-gets-on-my-nerves kind of mania more often than not.  I do a LOT of screaming and yelling, a LOT of hurting people’s feelings.

Grief.

Grief doesn’t help, and I’m grieving now, too.  My grandmother (Nanny) is about to be assigned a guardian and have her life officially taken away from her.  While one might expect I’d be thrilled with this, the opposite is true.  I’m even surprised at how it’s affected me.  I’m very shaken (not stirred) and depressed (while manic!!!!) about the effect this is going to have on not only my father’s mother, but our whole family.  It was awfully traumatic when we put Memaw in a nursing home, but she went peacefully and agreed it was time.  Nanny will do no such thing.  She will kick and scream the entire way.

My arms keep going numb.  I went to the hospital the other day, with suspicion of some kind of heart problem.  As fucking usual, they kept me all goddamned day, then wanted to keep me the next day for observation.  I signed out Against Medical Advice, because I had to come home and take care of my invalid wife.  Sometimes I resent that.  I can just DIE and it will be fine, as long as Mikey’s taken care of.  That’s a SHITTY fucking feeling.

In an ideal world, that actually WOULD be fine, but I feel so taken for granted, which is NOT the way I ever imagined a MARRIAGE to be.

Bitch bitch gripe gripe complain complain. 

If it weren’t for complaining, I wouldn’t talk at all.