Enough is enough

I have had it!

Laurie is in the hospital again.  ICU again.  Drugs again.  They caused renal failure this time.  Severe.

The first night, I didn’t visit, I was so angry.  The next day, my anger turned to concern, because I found out she was in renal failure.  Now, her kidneys are recovering, and the stupid-ass goddamned doctor puts her BACK on oxycontin….because "that’s what you take at home".

AM I IN THIS ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF?!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m about to find a way to mount a lawsuit against our primary care doctor.  Since he has been informed on three separate occasions (and written in his notes!) that she has overdosed on Oxycontin, in my eyes he is no better than a common drug dealer.  I know he wrote in his notes, because I saw him write it with my own eyes.

Whether Laurie likes it or not, she is going OFF oxycontin, hydrocodone, temazepam, and clonazepam.  Those are her drugs of choice, and they have almost killed her too many times to count.  I am not taking this shit anymore!!!!!!  It’s tearing our family apart, and if I don’t take a stand for my children and grandchildren…much less myself….then I’m no better than any of the deadbeat parents I abhor so much.

I was informed earlier that it might appear to the medical profession that I’m making this all about me.  Okay.  So I’m fighting tooth and nail to keep my wife alive because….why?  SO SHE WON’T DIE!!!!!!!  Fucking morons think that’s making it all about me?  It IS partially about me, obviously.  I don’t want to have to bury my wife!!!!!!!!

But this is also about my kids.  Somehow, it just recently dawned on me that my priorities were out of whack.  It’s been all about my wife and not enough about the kids.  Well, color those days over.  They deserve to have at least ONE parent who will fight for them!!!!!  Lord knows, we can’t count on their sorry-ass Mama to do it, so that leaves me.  Not that I’m doing it out of necessity.  I’m doing it out of love for my family.  If that’s egocentric, then to hell with them all.  I guess I have a big ego!

I just can’t believe they put her back on oxycontin, when they KNOW that’s what caused the fucking renal failure in the first place!  WHY did they do this?!!!!!!  And why doesn’t she stop them?!!!!!!!  Don’t we mean ANYTHING to her?!!!!!!!

She says we do.  She says she understands the enormity of the problem.  She says she loves me with all her heart and doesn’t want to lose me.  ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!  I can’t give up, so she’s lucky that way.  If I gave up, that would place the burden squarely on my children’s shoulders, and I will not do that to them.  Their Mom obviously wouldn’t care.  So what?  She didn’t want the kids to start with, so why should she give a shit about them now, all of a sudden?!

How do I help her see that there HAS GOT to be another way to cope with her "chronic pain".  I’m so fucking SICK of hearing about "chronic pain".  I’m so SICK of hearing that oxycontin and hydrocodone are the best treatments.  I’m SICK of being in this with no support from the medical establishment.  

Nobody says that alcohol (MY drug of choice, which I do NOT indulge in often) is the best treatment for MY chronic heartache!  Would they hand me a bottle of whiskey in the hospital?  I think not!  They would slap my ass into a treatment program.

IF oxy and hydro ARE the best treatments, we’ll just have to settle for second best…or third…or fourth.  The "best" isn’t working for us!  It doesn’t stop her pain anyway, so why even bother with it?  Why take the shit if it does no good?!!!!!!

I am so incredibly angry.  I feel like I could have a heart attack or stroke, that’s how angry I am.  I’m depressed enough to wish it on myself.  I’m determined enough to fight that I know that’s stupid to wish for, and it would only hurt my kids even more!

I have a sneaky feeling that this fight is somehow just beginning.  What a long, drawn-out beginning.