Early morning again
It’s almost 4am, and I woke up about 20 minutes or so ago. Got a lot on my mind.
The other day, I was going to write an entry, but either OD or the computer was being an asshole and wouldn’t let me.
Mama made a comment a few days ago that really upset me and hurt my feelings. We were talking about Wayne’s possessiveness of her, since he retired. I said that if he started trying to curtail her visits with Memaw, I would not stay quiet about it. Mama said, "If I really want to visit, Wayne can’t stop me."
K, she almost never comes to my house anymore. It’s always, "Wayne wants" or "Wayne thinks" or "Wayne needs"……so I put two and two together and realized that, based on her own words, she doesn’t WANT to visit us. After all, he stops her from doing it, and she herself said if she really wanted to, he couldn’t stop her.
I don’t know why it matters so much to me. I told Mikey last night that it feels like I would cut off my own head to please Mama, and she’d just stand in my blood, paying no attention. Why does it still affect me so much?! I’m getting ready to turn 36 years old in two more months!!!!!! Why does it matter if Mommy has her priorities screwed up?!
Things have chilled out, to some degree, between Tiffany and me. I am having big, ugly issues with the fact that she’s attempting to get Isaiah back. I keep wondering why they’d give him back to someone they removed him from, in the first place. The fact that she’s my daughter complicates this a million times more. I don’t want to think such bad things about my own daughter, but I admit that I DO think them. I find myself thinking, "If you’d given the kids the proper respect and priority before, you wouldn’t be without them now!" Blaming her all the way. While technically, it WAS her fault, I guess, it’s ugly to feel this way about my own daughter. I don’t talk to her about it now. There’s too much risk of damaging our relationship with what could only be termed the Forstmanns’ brutal honesty. For peace’s sake, I’d rather keep it to myself…talk about it with my wife, not my daughter. I do love Tiffany, and her happiness matters….but so does Isaiah’s!!!!!!! If her getting him back would take away from HIS happiness, how on Earth am I SUPPOSED to feel?!!!!!!!
Grandparenthood is wonderful, but it sure can be complicated, too.
Speaking of grandchildren….We called Nathaneal on his birthday. He’s 12 now….God, the time is flying! I inadvertently called him "sweetheart", and when I apologized, saying I know a boy his age didn’t want his GRANDPA to call him that, he just replied, "Mmm, it’s not a bad thing." I got me a wonderful grandson! 🙂 He laughed a lot while we talked, and it rubbed off. He’s such a cheerful boy…and a huge inspiration to his sad-sack Grandpa. I’m very proud of him and so pleased with how he’s turning out.
Life is good. Complicated, hard, and trying, but good. They always say that nothing worth having comes easily. My family is DEFINITELY worth having!!!!!!!!
I went to the nursing home yesterday. It was Teddy’s birthday. Teddy is a slightly odd 67 year old woman, and she asked me if I would get her a birthday card, so I did. It made her so happy, which made me happy, too. Naturally, I visited with Memaw while I was there. I’m not about to set foot into the home my precious Memaw’s in and NOT visit with her! I’m so happy that everyone there, including other residents, seems to like my grandmother so much. Some of the other residents call her "Mama", which is sweet, in my view. She’s 89 now, so she IS old enough to be their mother. The other older ones call her affectionate names like "baby".
There are lots of sweet things about life, too. I just have to learn to focus more on them. The older I get, the easier that is getting. Thank God!
Much love to everyone!
Hermy